Best Wishes

Significant aspects of my personality have changed over the recent period of time. You may have noticed the lack of posts I've written. The main change is my conscious decision to share personal feelings and thoughts; I chose to, rather, I don't need to vent anymore. Venting has been fueled by many different reasons, many of which are my way to logically dissect and understand what I'm thinking. Seeing it written forms structure. However recently, the way in which I process my thoughts have been kept, and in many cases solved, in my head. In various ways, I'm proud I am returning to a lifestyle I once had. I am building myself back up to be more self sufficient and contained, rather than needy and dispersed. The type of person I want to become will find his way through, through the mess I'm cleaning up and through the life that lays ahead. It would be against rationale to define my new characteristics; such change, internal and out, requires a "see to believe" mentality. Make that your choice. I'm confident that no one can accurately describe me, as I am, what I do now, and will become. Just keep in mind I'm not changing my appearance (clothes and whatever). Change is slow, do understand. But for what it's worth, thank you for listening. I'll be seeing you perhaps, but I won't return here for some time.

My Recently Finished Artwork

Of all people, she's been right here. Right in my room, quiet, for the past few months. Not judging, not impressed, not disappointed. But slightly intimidating. I'd get to see her when I chose; someone to keep me company, occupied. On the surface, she's only graphite spread across a page (12x18), and she doesn't have a name, and she couldn't possibly hear a word I say, but somehow, she's a part of me. She personifies me.

Unrelated

The most attractive thing you can find in a woman is her personality.
The most attractive thing you can find in a man is his values.

It came from the internet, credit unknown.

Don't Save

Cute. Unfortunately I don't know to whom to credit this.

Physics

I don't know what motivates most teachers to become the authority on a topic, but I know what mine is: to educate for the purpose of sharing my skill sets, expanding the minds of others, developing stronger mental capabilities, spreading culture, and encourage an interest to pursue the topic on their own.
     The last point is, I find, the most important. That's where the true learning happens. Students who hold an interest to learn more than the material that is presented in class are the ones who succeed in the subject. This isn't about grades. This is about understanding and enjoying the material.
    Many teachers fail miserably at this. You remember them as being bad teachers. They did not "reach" you, get through to you to the point that what they wanted to teach was important enough for you to retain.
     Some teachers neither unsucceed nor succeed. They leave a neutral impression in which you understood the material, but didn't develop a passion to learn more. This is acceptable. No one will ever be interested in all topics taught in school.
     But those who leave a sour taste in your mouth, those who slow down the clock, classes that you're dying to get out of, the moment you exit you feel rejuvenated; why? Why do these people want to stand in front of a class of innocent minds?
     In no way do I want to suggest these teachers are bad people. No, not at all. They are simply people who lack the skill to persuade their passion for the subject. They do not encourage me to learn more. They do not even acclaim the material, assuming that because they know it, I will understand it as well as they already do.
     This is infuriating. Just because they recite a PowerPoint, doesn't mean the point has been conveyed. I can read the book on my own. I come to class to learn what isn't in the book. I want then to answer my questions with explanations that differ from textbook and internet material. I want to hear what sophisticated knowledge can be told using language I understand.

Miss physics teacher, you're a nice lady, but you suck at teaching. 

ps - I love when you give the class a problem, give us two minutes to solve, and no one has any idea, let alone an answer, when you ask for one. Makes you look like a fool.

What the fuck, me

I have a burning passion not to do physics homework. It will take a few more hours (hopefully less) to remind myself how bad it felt to not to have turned in the last one.

I just had pancakes that were reheated from last night's dinner at IHOP. They had cinnamon and icing.

I painted some of my plastic interior trim in my car. When the lights to match are purchased, it should look really sharp at night and during the day. Pics when it happens.

This Thursday I will go to the Queen Mary with a party of people that build a haunted house. This guy, the one that said "hey let's go" is the same guy that builds a maze in his own side yard/driveway every year. I've participated in the build for the past two years. So him and a few others are going, and I as a helper, was invited. It's good to help. Yay people.

Every Friday night, I'm told, is a get-together of Miata's in the City of Industry (45-an hour's drive). One of these days, I'll make the trip out there, hoping for the best.

Instagram has been seeing more of me lately, or the other way around; whatever. My username, like most everywhere else on the internet, is Chilezen. Reddit, however, is no contest: I even spoil myself with a few browsing sessions during physics (geez I loathe physics and that teacher). So many subreddits, and somehow, so much time... But anyway pictures, me, things, insta-whatever.

About a week ago I took my bike to the beach to ride. Only two items entered my pocket: license and phone. Apparently, as I found out today, a week later, my license did not come back that night. This means I have been without legal proof of identification, let alone proof to drive, for some time. Luckily, as hard as they may come by, some nice people mailed my ID back. Bless their souls, I shall return a letter of thanks at my soonest convenience.

This weekend my courage was built up all on my own in order to ask for a date from a girl I just met. This was in the city of Brea, where my mom had another one of her street fairs, selling her jewelry. Being a weekend event, I had seen (and only seen) this girl for two days. She sat stationed at another booth, across and not far from where I sat. Looking up from the book not wanting to be read was pleasant every time as I glance to see her chatting away with the girl next to her or customers at her booth. She was attractive; pretty eyes, pretty smile, fit body. My standards are set fairly high for women I am interested in, yet consequently I have a harder time talking the prettier they are. A breakthrough, a much needed one, came when I broke the ice as I strolled by (I had been sitting for hours, man...) to observe the two of them packing up. This was the first of two approaches. I addressed them both, this made talking easier. This was also fishing for initial impressions, yet I already made up my mind about pursuing it further. I had waited at my seat until all was packed, so literally at the last moment, I boldly (yet cautiously, I am/was still shy) said "Before you go, my name is Kevan, you have pretty eyes, and I'd like to ask you out." Her smile grew for the appreciation and her eyes fluttered but the words from her mouth are the only words I will ever remember her say: "Oh, I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend! But my name's Jordan, I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say, in fact I don't remember what I said. Frankly I'm not hugely bummed out, because I reminded myself I could do it, even if it took two whole days. For too long have I been kicking myself over lost opportunities and lust for ones I know I will never get back... I tried again, I'm proud of that. Losing this one, yes I'm bummed, she, from what I could tell, looked like a great, nice person; exactly the kind I've always been after. She helped me bounce back up because I really thought she'd be worth the try, and she was. This wouldn't be a story without her, and I wouldn't have the confidence without Helin, a friend who also helped (and still helps) through difficult patches of my life. Several morals now standing, I appreciate having experienced them all.

Reunited and Refreshed

To say "reunited" is a stretch, considering she's been sitting in the driveway for three weeks. But I couldn't drive my Miata because she was having starting issues, and I have school, so I didn't have time to fix it. Over the past weekend she got a temporary fix, will be completed soon.
     What I wanted to say is how much I missed driving her. In the meantime, I'd been driving a bmw E30 to school, which has its own perks, but simply isn't as good or fun as my miata.

     In Southern California, where I live, there is a coastal city called Palos Verdes (Estates, not Rancho). It's almost entirely neighborhoods of small, windy, hilly dark roads (dark being at night). The houses are beautiful, the views are beautiful, and the roads are mostly empty. It's the closest thing I have to a track and a good time, especially on warm nights, like tonight.
     After readjusting myself to the light pedals, I fell in love all over again. How well she handles, the responsive steering, how it's never too much power, the sticky tires... and almost everything is still stock; very forgiving shocks and an acceptably quiet exhaust. Many of the roads are uninterrupted, making for many wonderful mountain cruises. The city itself is about 5 miles in diameter (my estimate from google maps), yet I traveled 54 miles through it. I love exploring there, and I love exploring it in my miata.

I'm just happy, and wanted to briefly share my experience.

Dumfounded

Society, the government, and whomever else, don't understand this simple, dead simple logic I have: if children are raised properly, there would be less criminals. 

Holy fucking shit, people. Get this through your mind.

Pour money into where it's needed: education. Children who attended safe, respectable schools and obtain realistic aspirations are much less likely to be a danger to society. Children who are able to go home and impress their parents will be jewels in their parents eyes. Establishing safe schools will create better neighborhoods. If they are properly educated and motivated, they will become better citizens in society. We will have a better society if it is propagated with intelligent human beings. How? By fucking raising them properly. If we can't depend on all parents, we should at least be able to depend on schools.

Brick In The Wall

I like this, it means something to me.

I like this too.

SOL

Two lines of bad news:

• I had to take my car to a mechanic
• I had another dream about my ex.

I spent the weekend under my car pulling out the starter. I brought it to a store and had it tested; clerk says it's good. And so's the battery. I don't know how to/can't really check the wiring in between them, so I admitted defeat and sent it to have the dealership look at it. Hopefully I'll see it on Monday (today being Saturday). $109 to diagnose. Whoopee.
     I haven't thought about her in weeks, thankfully. But my brain, for the asshole it is, decides to remind me of her while I sleep. It's not even a simple passing-by on the sidewalk sort-of deal, it's a togetherness situation, exactly the kind of feeling I don't want to re-experience anymore. That time has passed, and I really thought I convinced myself that I was over this a long time ago.


I'm going to a concert tonight. My first venture exclusive to watching a band perform. Saying I haven't been to a concert before is mostly a lie; I've been to venues and a concert has been there as well. However tonight my family, the three of us, are traveling about an hour away to see the band Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. I really like their music, so I'm not complaining. I'm just not the "concert" type of person, just as I am not really a "go outside in public" type of person. But I also think my mom is really trying to hold on to me for as long as she can; there hasn't been a weekend for the past two months that we haven't been together doing something. Chocking, really. Nothing I can or will do about it though.

My arms and hands are stained with car grime/oil/degreaser from when I was working on it earlier today. That makes me happy, I did something I like doing and I have physical attributes to show for it. But now I need a shower in order to blend in with the crowd that will soon surround me.

In Between Classes

Actually the teacher is late to the one I'm supposed to be in right now.

My car needs a new starter, at least that's what the clues point to. The battery had been checked, cleaned, and fully charged too. The next step is to check the starter itself; I find this easier to perform if it's taken out. If all is well, then the wiring between the battery and starter needs to be checked. Save the hardest for last. 

In the meantime I'm driving the bimmer (not "beemer," that's the motorcycle). No complaints, I love driving that car too. I gave it an oil change last weekend. The only thing the car really needs, among all the tune-ups it could use, is to stiffen the steering. There's a lot of play; I don't yet know how to clean it up, but at some point I'll learn what can be done. It'll be a perfect car after that. 

The teacher has arrived, whereas I will make my exit.

Coming Home

My English essay. Subject: song analysis.

     A most exceptional feeling a man or woman may experience is the nostalgia of returning home. Not commonly felt by the everyday person, a veteran appreciates this feeling more and more as more time passes by when away from the nest. The reward? Seeing loved ones! In the song “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree,” originally performed by Dawn (featuring Tony Orlando) in 1973, a man describes his anticipation after three long years away. This reflects the passion he has for his loved one, the commitment he has stood by, and his selflessness to let her choose their fate together.
     Many songs tribute loved ones, although this stands out in the way he expresses his trust. Communication and trust are arguably the most important aspects of a relationship. When these strenuous characteristics are well established, love comes naturally (whereas being in love takes even more work). That said, the narrator of this musical adventure seeks comfort when he arrives home, and he hopes for this based on his trust that she still loves him. But like a man, a manly man, he and his heart are prepared for the worst: “If I don’t see a ribbon ‘round the ole oak tree; I’ll stay on the bus; forget about us; put the blame on me.” Based on personal experience, letting a loved one go is a true reflection of love, demonstrating that his love for her is greater than his selfish desire to hold on to something which may no longer be there. That is passion.
     Many fans became passionate (more or less) for the tune after its release, including many talented musicians who covered the song, including Frank Sinatra. What also increased with the song’s fame was its interpretation; originally, the song describes a prisoner returning home: “I’ve done my time […] If you received my letter telling you I’d soon be free […] It’s been three long years […] I’m really still in prison, and my love, she holds the key.” When I was growing up and first heard this song, my mother told me it was attributed to the soldiers coming home from the war. Which war, she didn’t say, but given the year of publication, it could have ranged from any number of the wars in the Middle East to Vietnam. Details aside, the song’s popularity rose due to its nature of welcoming back loved ones. Regardless of the narrator’s whereabouts, it is easy to identify he had kept in contact, proving his commitment to someone who had the choice of letting go of him. Every man knows (or should know) that at any time, his girl may question the relationship, which may then lead to devastating downfall of arguments and tragedies; worsened if the relationship is long distance and with little communication. But we know that he has instilled his trust in her, so we feel his confidence and commitment for her.
     As a sign for her commitment for him, he asks for a yellow ribbon to be tied around a tree (hence the name of the song). Sources do not point to a distinctive origin for ribbons being worn or tied somewhere, but the notable points of reference include a song titled “Round Her Neck She Wore A Yellow Ribbon" by Sidney Robertson Cowell in 1938, a movie by the same title starring John Wayne in 1949, and has even been traced back through folk tales to the Civil War. Gerald E. Parsons argues the strongest piece of evidence includes Star Wormwood, a book on prison reform written in 1959. The passage of interest is, “‘There it is,’ he cried. ‘It's all right! The whole tree is white with ribbons’” (Parsons). Where ever the origin, popularity of the concept grew orally. The “yellow” aspect came from a yellow handkerchief told in another convict-returning-home story, which happened to be hung on an oak tree. Progressing into 1973, we find “Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown register[ing] for copyright a song they called ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon ’Round the Ole Oak Tree’” (Parsons). The symbolism for the yellow ribbon grew enormously after the invasion of the U.S. Embassy in Tehran in 1979, when in an article by the Washington Post, we see the ribbon tied around a tree being used for their collective condolences of the hostages. For as many readers as there were, the ribbon can be confidently described as a national symbol.
     Admittedly, the Iranian invasion does proceed the original airdate of the song, but the relevance and historical value of the information is comforting to know. What is more comforting is the resolution of the song: “And I can't believe I see; A hundred yellow ribbons 'round the ole oak tree.” When he put his trust in her to make the right decision for the both of them, his reward is beyond his imagination. His intention comes purely from the heart. A song simply about how excited a man would be to see his girl does not compare; this man acts on the principle of putting his girl’s happiness first. If she is happier without him, if she moved on, then the best is what she deserves. Instead, true love in this fictional story prevails: a hundred yellow ribbons were tied around the ole oak tree.
     The bounciness of the song lends to the predictable resolution. The first bridge indicates there is speculation, as he repeats, “If you still want me; if you still want me,” which gives the song itself more character. We become as suspicious as he is. This, in true poetic fashion, is oxymoronic of the bounciness of the tune.
     This has been cited as a memorable song by many elderly people. It is easy to understand why: it was a popular tune and it represented the joyous resolutions and reunited loved one during its time. It reflects a man’s love; not only his, but the dear sentiment about his girl. As there simply are not songs like this in today’s culture, spreading the knowledge and character of this one is ever more valuable.

Dear Obama

Please don't intervene in Syria.
It's not our fight.
We will only make it worse.

I take a cooler with me to school (and leave it in my car, obviously) so I can eat without leaving campus or buying goods on campus. Regarding this, I'm glad I haven't sought fast and unhealthy food for the time I've been doing this. I usually take sandwiches, caesar salads, macaroni salad, dinner leftovers, and sometimes milk and breakfast goodies. Granola bars are also a part of the diet.

Hyperloop Advocacy Speech for Debate Class

I was allotted 7 minutes to give this speech; some details had to be left out. Enjoy.

If the future is a representation of our ability to succeed through change, then we must embrace a new and exciting form of mass transportation, coined the “Hyperloop.” The draft is steadily based on several known technologies and is purpose-built to be fast, efficient, and relatively low cost as compared to a high-speed railroad system. The Hyperloop is a firm step forward in our ability to innovate, whereas a railway would be our conservative regression into a nostalgic past.

Henceforth outlines what the Hyperloop is and what it does:

1. ELON MUSK’S PROPOSED PIPE DREAM
Tad Friend (sic), award-winning staff writer of The New Yorker, August 15, 2013
            On Monday, [Elon] Musk [founder of PayPal, Tesla Motors and SpaceX] posted his proposal, a fifty-seven-page set of specs for a gizmo that looks like the Keystone Pipeline hoisted onto a chairlift. Dual tubes, one headed north and one south, would snake together twenty feet above Interstate 5’s median, supported by pylons a hundred feet apart. Cylindrical pods carrying twenty-eight people would whoosh through the tubes at up to seven hundred and sixty miles per hour, coasting on a cushion of air. Musk promised a trip of thirty-five minutes, at a total system cost of only six billion dollars. That would be [. . .] one-tenth the overall cost of the high-speed rail system that California has planned.

2. COMPARISON TO THE WORLD’S FASTEST TRAINS
Doug Gross, staff writer of CNN, August 13, 2013
[. . .] at almost 700 mph [that’s] faster than most commercial airliners and slightly less than the speed of sound.
            By contrast, the train believed to be the world's fastest—China's Shangai Maglev Train, has been recorded at a top speed of 311 mph. But its top operating speed is 268 mph, meaning it would take just under an hour and 20 minutes to make the same trip. Bullet trains like that one operate on a frictionless magnetic-levitation system, but Musk believes such technology would be too expensive for Hyperloop.
[. . .]
In California, billions of federal dollars have been pledged for high-speed rail, and voters approved $9 billion in bonds for a bullet train between San Diego and San Francisco. But the project has been set back by myriad issues, and the train, according to Musk's calculations, would average only 164 mph.

This means the trip by rail would be at minimum two hours, plus the stops along the way; hardly a positive factor when we already have airlines that ferry passengers in about 50 minutes. I would know, I’ve made the flight several times.
            California’s current rail system, Amtrak, offers two routes through the state, one being inland and the other coastal. At the time of this writing, a one-way ticket fares $59. However, the ride times average a whopping 9 to 10 hours, and the inland route includes 3 hours on a bus; not what I call comfortable. I would know, I’ve made those trips too. So you can see why an improved rail system is appealing to commuters.

3. ELON MUSK’S FORMAL PROPOSAL
Elon Musk, Chairman, Product Architect & CEO of Tesla Motors, August 12, 2013
            The underlying motive for a statewide mass transit system is a good one. It would be great to have an alternative to flying or driving, but obviously only if it is actually better than flying or driving. The train in question would be both slower, more expensive to operate (if unsubsidized) and less safe [. . .] than flying, so why would anyone use it?
            If we are to make a massive investment in a new transportation system, then the return should by rights be equally massive. Compared to the alternatives, it should ideally be:
            Safer, faster, lower cost, more convenient, immune to weather, sustainably self-powering, resistant to earthquakes, and not disruptive to those along the route.
[. . .]
            Even when the Hyperloop path deviates from the highway, it will cause minimal disruption to farmland roughly comparable to a tree or telephone pole, which farmers deal with all the time. A ground based high speed rail system by comparison needs up to a 100 ft wide swath of dedicated land to build up foundations for both directions, forcing people to travel for several miles just to get to the other side of their property. It is also noisy, with nothing to contain the sound, and needs unsightly protective fencing to prevent animals, people or vehicles from getting on to the track. Risk of derailment is also not to be taken lightly, as demonstrated by several recent fatal train accidents.

4. CLARIFYING NOTES IN THE PROPOSAL
Forbes, August 12, 2013
            In theory, the Hyperloop will be safer than a plane or train. “Obviously never is a rather strong word, but it would just be extremely difficult I suppose to crash,” Musk said. “It’s not like it’s going to fall out of the sky, essentially, nor can it be derailed as a train can.”
[. . .]
            “I don’t think we should do the high-speed rail thing because it’s currently slated to be roughly $70 billion but if one ratio is the cost at approval time versus the cost at completion time of most large projects I think it’s probably going to be close to $100 billion. And it seems like it’s going to be less desirable to take that than to take a plane, so that means it’s not just going to be, I mean California taxpayers are not just going to have to write off $100 billion but they’re also going to have to maintain and subsidize the ongoing operation of this train for a super long time, sort of California’s Amtrak. And that just doesn’t seem wise for a state that was facing bankruptcy not that long ago.”

When it comes to movies and entertainment, we love to see something ground-breaking, fresh, and beyond our time. But this isn’t a Hollywood prop; it’s an idea that is feasible today. Bulky trains on rails are no longer exciting and are proving to be impractical next to the sophisticated design of the Hyperloop. This is what we want for a better future; for our future.

Classes, as Promised

I enjoy almost all my classes, but two are going to be most enjoying to share here. Debate and English: lots of writing and opinions, things I love to express, will be incrementally pasted onto here.
     As it is now my third week of school, two assignments have been given: For English, song lyrics must be analyzed. Any song, but the more influential, the better. Thus I looked to the past, as I find most songs of this era to lack the soul or message I wish to interpret. Two songs are in mind: Tie A Yellow Ribbon Around the Ole Oak Tree and It's Still Rock and Roll to Me. Place your bets for which one I decide!
     Debate is asking for a simple, single-person advocacy speech; something to change the status quo. So simple, I just need to provide four quotations/sources and connect them. Background knowledge is a given. Two topics (again) are in mind: change public school's start time to later (instead of 8am, to 9am) -or- advocate the theoretical Hyperloop over the planned high-speed rail system for California. It's a tough decision, but new technology holds more interest to me. Details to come.
     Because I just finished my Sign Language homework, I'll discuss it next. I like the class, the teacher, and the skills I am learning. It's a new language, for goodness sake. And I'm actually interested in retaining the information (unlike Spanish, which I failed in hs). I definitely need to practice more, though. Talking to people, and being able to read what they're saying; ugh, it's hard, but obtainable.
     My Automotive class is iffy. We're taking apart transmissions (the class is Transmissions and Drivelines) but progress is slow. Despite being in groups, the teacher has a hard time managing all the guys (only guys, what a shame). Not much to say else.
     The Physics teacher should be teaching high school freshmen, not college students. That's what her presentation reflects. It is the beginning physics course, but I feel she could be teaching at a higher level. However she does have enthusiasm for teaching, so can't complain there.
     Lastly, Calculus, which I'm auditing. Best way to put it: I understand the math, but not the concepts. We're studying limits, the lesson is on the aspects of continuity. I can see him (the teacher) do the math, but I don't follow how he got there and does what with this and that. But I don't ask questions because I don't officially belong there. I will have to seek tutoring, but that's my last priority after homework for all the other classes.
     I shouldn't even be writing this, I have

• a speech to research . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (to be given Wed)
• a song to analyze . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (draft due next Tues)
• an accumulating amount of physics hw . . .  (due Wed)
• and a book to read . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (by this Tues night).

And in my free time,

• the portrait must be drawn
• I should look into schools to transfer to (and under what major)
• the bmw needs an oil change
• my car should be washed
• fucking exercise, I actually feel weaker and more ashamed to take off my shirt
• and help my mom with her various jewelry requests (process pictures, put them on her website, etc.)

Luckily for me, going to 7am calculus is optional. But I feel accomplished when I learn new things there. I didn't intend for this post to be long, oh well.
     Farewell.

Patience

Whether this is famous or widely known, there is an... idea, method of teaching a young child patience, that has influenced me. I was told this by a favorite high school teacher:

Put a chocolate bar in front of a child. If he/she sits and waits for a full minute, give them a second bar; a reward for their patience. Or they can grab the one bar now... and miss out on having two.

The way my teacher said it was more influential.

My mom gets emails with coupons and whatever, and one of them was about car accessories. I said as much as I would love to spend $5k on small cosmetic upgrades, I'd rather continue saving $5k for a significant, and very rewarding performance upgrade for my car.
     I have delved into the presentation vs. performance debate a while ago, so to recap, (I think) I stated it's about what's under the hood that matters more.

(For anyone not reading between the lines, it is a metaphor for "it's what's inside that counts")

I aim to boost the personality of my car, which will be a more rewarding accomplishment than physically drawing attention to something that isn't really there. Since my only income is dog sitting and school is heavily occupying my time, the savings are slow to accumulate. At least, however, the car is already a joy to drive, therefore the upgrade isn't a desperate feat to be achieved.

The Amount of Friends after High School Can be Counted on One Hand

I didn't think the title would be true so soon after high school...


I think I've lost a friend specifically because of my ex girlfriend. She's been friends with him long than I've known her. She dated him once, for a week, but it didn't work out because he felt like a brother to her, not a lover. But they've been good friends anyway. That's how I got to know him, because of her. He and I would work on car things together, even after she and I broke up. But now I think she's gotten close to him again, and I think, maybe, she requested that he isn't my friend anymore.

I've had a childhood friend; my first real friend. I've known him since, maybe 5, or whenever we start kindergarten. Our friendship dwindled during high school due to different choices on cliques, but I tried to push forth again during college because we go to the same college and share similar class times (carpooling).
     He was an okay friend all my life, but worse now. Whenever I try to hang out with him, something, or someone else is always more important. I've asked to hang out one night, he said no, I said tomorrow, he didn't answer; the next day, I ask to hang out, he says, sorry, forgot, I made other plans. And recently I ask for help on homework, something as simple as 10 minutes (he lives a few houses down, btw) but he remarks I should have paid attention in class instead. It was his birthday this weekend. I know he had a party of some kind. I wasn't invited. I asked him, hey, let's drive around at night this weekend, he said no, I'm busy. Not, it's my birthday, want to help celebrate? Nope. Just, busy. Couldn't be bothered. And this is someone I see and talk to 4 days a week at school...

I used to be able to say I have at least 5 friends. Now I'm down to 3. Two of which haven't replied to my texts in the past week. One left: I should call him, just so I can converse with someone other than my mom.

Bold Lines

Two things:
1. This blog could use a break from blocks of text every so often.
2. As I mentioned before, I want to become an automotive designer. Here's my career goal.
    It's a fusion of a Ford GT, Morgan, Aston Martin, Mustang, McLaren, Cadillac, '57 Bel Air, and so on.

Thoughts On Suicide, cont'

Inevitably, sometimes I wish I were dead. I don't ever wish I hadn't been born, for I consider my life a reasonable investment thus far. However for the ease of myself and others, I don't feel needed, so I could at anytime, disappear.

I'll continue to wake up everyday, just to find out whether this decision to live becomes greater than life itself. 

 *edit: I would like to remind myself my life really isn't bad, more or less, in any way. Basic amenities are covered. I am going to school and I have a car I can drive when I want. There are so many ways my life is below average, but hey, I'm not starving.

Making the Time

There's a lot I have wanted to say concerning recent events, discoveries, and confessions.

It's hard to write for an unknown audience. Yes, I do tear threads out of my tangled mind just to organize them onto this blank white page, and much of the time it is unfiltered. This has been a problem for me and others, because some things, I later find, shouldn't have been said. Or were misinterpreted. Or vague. But that's me trying to condense; otherwise I feel too wordy.

Sorry. One specific article I need to clarify is in regards to my sister. I made a note that I resented her as we grew up together. I left out how I feel now. Back then, the point I tried to make was she appeared as an ideal child to my parents. I didn't feel neglect, I felt jealous. And now that she's moved out, she doesn't talk to my parents much anymore; which brings me to the front and center of attention.
     My mother misses my sister. Completely understandable. I just wish my sister stayed in touch with her more.
     How I feel now about my sister also needs to be clarified. I'm proud of her and her accomplishments. When she got sick, she persevered. She fought through and earned the knowledge and respect she now has. She did extremely well in college and now at her work. She's made many friends and a significant other because she's a great person to be around. That's hugely admirable, and that's how I feel. The jealousy of the past has become admiration; I don't know what else to say.

Switching gears, I have to brag about school. I'm taking 21 units and auditing 5 more. Enrolled classes are Debate, Physics, AutoTech, English, and Sign Language, while I'm auditing Calc. I'm proud of this current accomplishment. These are all subjects that satisfy my curiosity. In fact, I would have tried for another class: Life Drawing, but to be sensible, there were enough classes filling my day.
     Speaking of which, I made a bed in my car. Imagine this. Inside a Mazda Miata. I took out the passenger seat and put in my bed pillows for comfort. In the right position, it's actually comfortable, despite me being 5'10".
     Since I want to keep tackling topics, I'll share the class experiences as more develop.


One of my friends became my friend because she was curious as to why some shy people are shy. This subject deserves its own post. I could go on and on stretching my reasons for this. But there's one very important reason I won't:
     Being shy upholds a means of mystery. Being shy makes an individual more difficult to get through, but there's so much more to discover when the sense of comfort settles in. A shy person's thoughts are more developed, so there's more to listen to. Again, once trust settles in.
     This doesn't answer the question why some people are shy; I'm encouraging anyone to take their time trying to find out. Shy people, I think, are more interesting. Which is exactly the type of person I fell in love with.

Needless to say, she still floats across my mind, for better and for worse. My ex-girlfriend, I mean. Worse, is the more accurate description of how my day turns when any of those thoughts cross. I wish I didn't think about it anymore.

This one threw me off though: a bag boy at my local grocer, I think he's gay... he's very well groomed, he smiles at me like I smile at another girl, he hands me my grocery bags, and when he does... he just gives me this look... the same look I might give another girl I like... with those big generous eyes... just creeps me out. Twice already; two shopping occasions that we've crossed paths.


I've barely talked about my car! Still not much to say. If you remember from a while ago, I mentioned my clutch needs to be replaced. The new one's sitting under my bed. Fortunately, $500 is also sitting under my bed (just kidding, it's in the bank). My point is, I'm just waiting to install it myself. This is the main reason why I enrolled into an Auto Tech class at school; the class's focus is on drivelines and transmissions. During the semester, a team and I will swap it (permission already granted by the professor!). Anyway, on to more important things:

Owning a motorcycle has been a dream for a long time. Not a big dream, a simple wish.
     My friend has one. He got it a while ago, less than a year. Got himself a license too. He and I have been hanging out more recently, mostly me driving around PV at night. One night, he followed me in his motorcycle: what a blast we both had! He's still a bit new and rough, so he went slower than me in four wheels, which is totally understandable (I would too).
     Yesterday he gave me the chance to find out why he goes slow. Because it's harder than it looks. It was learning how to drive again! But after many loops in an empty parking lot, I'm now refueled to get myself a motorcycle. Literally, it is such a thrill—exactly like learning to drive.
     The downside is, in fact the only downside I care to see is, either I save and spend $5k on a bike, or $5k on car upgrades (a turbo). And here's how I see it: a bike accelerates on a dime, but a turbo on my car will make it accelerate on a dime. Tough fuckin' decision, man. But I have time, $5k is a long savings away. 

In my efforts to save money, I won't be spending any on Halloween this year. That was the first reason. The second reason is I need to (and will) focus my time on school, rather than another elaborate maze in my front yard. For those of you who don't know, look back in my archives to the very first posts: all about Halloween. I can't resist cutting out the holiday, though. I will still do something. Dead simple is my goal. Hit them with my leaf blower cannon and coffin ghost. And some fog and a strobe light and some extra decorations I already have, and my Thursday night should be satisfactory (October 31 is a Thursday. Besides, my class ends at 6pm that day). I brought up this topic only because I received a Halloween decorations catalog in the mail recently.


Restated: I will focus my time on school. I've never had this many classes, and I've never been this serious about it. I want to keep writing here as often as I can, as it is my vent, but consistency is not guaranteed. ...I don't know why I just said that, it's already inconsistent. But at least now you know what my distractions are.
     Goodnight, fellow reader. I'll miss you, as I always do.
     While I sleep, you can check out my recent adventure at the Peterson Automotive Museum. The photos briefly define my taste in auto design.

Been Busy

With recent activity impeding time to write, I apologize, for I wish I could have been able to settle and express the thoughts crossing my mind. I will share them later; as a bonus, content will be more concise as only the important details will be remembered and retold. The juiciness, well, I'll do my best to lather in as much as I can.

A Favorite

I love the look of a girl's face during and shortly after she's woken up. Smiling or not, I just love that tired look. It's a rare, treasured, and privileged sight to see.

Thoughts on Suicide

I think about suicide, but I don't think about committing it. I don't think about others committing it, either. I think about why I won't. 

I do feel I won't be missed by many people, and not for long. My mom and dad, they'll miss me. Judging by the amount of texts I get each day, my friends won't miss me. 

     So if it's not people that affect my decision to live, what is? It's not what I have accomplished thus far. It's not because I haven't gotten certain things in life yet. 

     It is because I have potential. I have aspirations to help and influence others. I want to make myself valuable so when I do die, I will be missed. If I die now, there's not much to be said. When I've made a difference, when I have worth, then my memory will live on without me. 

Is this to say I'm not ready to die? In fact, I am. I accept that I, at any moment, can and might die. Though unlikely most of the time, I recognize life is a gift and a privilege. No matter who you are, I personally believe not a single person deserves to live. People make the decision to live. 

     In that respect, I choose to live, because I have no reason to kill myself, but I also understand my life, just like anyone else, is fragile. I accept that I will die, but in no means do I want to. Not yet.

I want to continue to live because there is a fantastic world out beyond my reach and people's lives I may have the opportunity to touch. It is my choice, only limited by my abilities, to find and pursue those opportunities.

Accomplishments

Things I did this summer:

think too much.
Smile.

Too Many Things

It would be false to say I've been too busy or too much has happened, whereas the description of "too much on my mind" falls suit. Too much would be,

what are my career goals;

what are my college goals;

what are my automotive goals;

what are my friendship goals;

what are my relationship goals;

what are my family goals;

how am I going to make some money to pay for things I like;

why hasn't Vons replied to my application;

where am I going to swap out the clutch in my car so I don't have to pay $500 for a mechanic to do it;

who can help me  swap it;

why don't the people I text get back to me;

I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a friendship with a girl that just isn't meant to be;

I feel like I shouldn't even be trying to hold onto another friendship;

it would really help if they would text back/tell me something;

I don't like being this alone, people...

but I don't like being a nag;

When I was growing up, my sister was always the star child, and I was always second best to our parents. So I grew up with resentment. And she put me down and blamed everything on me. I could never get my parents to see she wasn't perfect. But now she's out of the house, married (holy crap), and doesn't talk to them anymore. My mom keeps telling me how my sister doesn't respond to any messages. This makes her real sad. And all I want to say was, "told ya so.";

My mom enters craft fairs in which she tries to sell the jewelry she hand-makes. Since she doesn't like my dad, I'm the only one left to help her. This means going with her to the fairs at 8 in the morning to set up the tent and displays, and then sit there for 8-12 hours trying to stay awake. Only one person bought something today. One, out of hundreds that walk past our booth like a museum. This is infuriating to me and my mother, who works so hard on the pieces and the display. Entry/booth fees and hotel fees and gas costs add up, and not one show has been able to pay for itself. People just aren't in the mood to treat themselves (or their SO) to something genuinely nice. But I'm still here sitting, watching, greeting people who walk in, keeping her company. Arguably, I probably wouldn't be very productive at home, but spending multiple weekends at fairs really isn't satisfying for either of us;

Something that keeps me happy, entertained, and distracted is reddit. There's something good and bad about this: Does it make me smile, do I learn new things, can I always find relief? Yes. Is it productive, it is a good use of my time? No;

I started a piece of artwork because I missed drawing. Now I remember why I stopped: the stress of imperfection. Everything else as turned out fine (acceptable, not fantastic). Even the left side of the hair turned out fine. But the right side is a horrible mess. The reference photo lacks detail in this dark area, but I can't replicate the darkness because it's a scaled up drawing. Any normal person expects detail there. And what I've come up with is shit. The hair is cluttered, fake, stringy, and flat. So now it is a burden to work on, because I loathe the outcome. ...but I have to finish it, I'm not going to leave an otherwise nice portrait without half a head of hair. I've been complimented on the art. I want the pride of finishing it. If I have any intentions of pursuing art school, I definitely need something to show for it;

College. The first sub-topic is my upcoming semester. I'm already enrolled in 18 units. Fuck me. But I chose that. I had (I think) 16 units a year ago, but those were mostly art and film classes. This semester suicide plan includes physics, calculus, english 1C, debate, and beginning sign language. Honestly, I look forward to the subjects. But all of them together is probably too much for my work mentality. I want to do this, I do. This is the education I want to pursue. I need to work at it. My plan is to run through it for the first two weeks. That second Friday is my deadline to decide. That's when I can drop a class and receive a full refund. The way that my schedule is laid out indicates calculus would be the one to go, should I decide to drop any. Its time block is annexed from the rest of the classes. This is a difficult decision because I took pre-calc last semester, and if I postpone calc, I may (will) forget too much. Hopefully the two buffer weeks will be enough;

     Sub-topic two: major. I'm still declared as "General Studies of Fine Arts." In my last post, I told I want to become an automotive engineer. This actually deserves its own paragraph;

Okay, so I'm being more picky than any regular person should be about this. I want to be an engineer and designer. I want to draw/sculpt the shape of the vehicle, and then I want to construct the powerplant and mechanical characteristics of the chassis. ...as part of a team. For a company. The best examples of my intended career goal is to be an employee of Morgan, Pagani, or Tesla. These are automotive manufacturers that more tightly bond the creative side with the technical side of what goes into their vehicles. Their employee count is low and limited, but in my eyes, highly prestigious. They produce beautiful cars, and their craftsmanship is outstanding. 

     In regards to a major, I don't know which to choose. Universities have distinctly separated mechanical and artistic careers for those dedicated individuals who want only that. I have to commit to, well, the more reliable of the two for greater chances in getting to where I want to go. I'll have to research this in depth. Unfortunately, other things in my life currently have precedence. 

     This also means researching the right school to seek my education, so that's yet another bother;

I don't need more people in my life. I just need people to be closer. I want people to share these things with. I shouldn't have to resort to spilling out feelings like a confession just to feel like someone is going to read and respond to this. There is still plenty I am keeping to myself, because I do certainly have boundaries. Some confidentiality must remain in my thoughts. But there's so much I wish I could share with someone, or people... I am a person too, I do need love and friendship, and for all the attacking I've dealt with, I really think it is time to stop ignoring me.

Thinking Out Loud

A while ago, I posted a question on my facebook asking, what should I do? The one answer that stuck with me, and wrote down to read everyday, was,

"Do the impossible!"

And now, this has a new meaning. I'm going to be grinning every time I think about this. And it's going to be fun.

Thoughts on Applying for Universities

Many people are familiar with applying for college, a process which starts between now and winter, I guess. I don't know anything about that process. Granted, I am a junior at a community college, but applying for my current school isn't the same as applying to a university.

Why haven't I? Several reasons, my dear. The first and foremost is my unwillingness to commit to a lifestyle choice. Aka career. You see, there are things I like to do, such as:

• Write. I haven't really done stories, but I am good with voice.
• Draw. Graphite does (somehow) spread nicely under my control.
• Compose. Graphic art/illustration. 
• Photography. A moment of life, frozen.
• Film/edit. If I had the cast, I'll be the crew. I do like to tell visual stories. 
• Journalism. There is an art in forming opinions.
• Animate. Motion graphics and visual effects impress me.
• Play with Lego's. I like the creative freedom of plastic rectangles.
• Carpentry. Whether it's film equipment or a tree house, I like working with and designing with wood.
• Halloween itself isn't a hobby, but I do like combining all^ that into a walk-through attraction in my front yard.
• Working on cars. I love discovering how mine works, and how to improve it.
• Driving. Being one with the car on the right roads is bliss.
• Teaching. Passing on information through education is satisfying.
• Programming. It just blows my mind. Maths!

Very important to note: These are things I like doing, I didn't say I am good at them. Also, they aren't in any order; just what came to my mind first.
     And although I'm not bragging I am good at all those things, I find the purpose of college is to become good/great at one or two of those things. That's my dilemma: choosing which "hobby" to pursue into a career.

I will, however, and despite what I just said, brag that I am decently good at most of those things. If you know me well enough and have seen my/me work, you would conclude I would master it if I received further, higher education, because I would have the motivation to do so.

Okay, so that's the first reason I didn't apply to college last year, or before, or during high school when all the smart kids did. My second reason is, I am incredibly fucking lazy. I didn't, and mind you, don't want to fill out (and pay for) college applications, some of which require samples of work. I could apply to schools, I should, but then comes the next reasons:

I don't want to take out loans like most kids have already. I don't want to set myself back before I've gotten started. I also don't want to apply for scholarships, for the same reason I didn't apply to schools.
     But many people will agree that community college is a sensible route: save cash on the stupid easy general classes, and then transfer and complete your education, with a stronger focus on your intended major. Saving money. Yes, good plan. No argument there. That's one of my valid reasons for not applying to universities.
     Also, though, and this is more important to me: Not only am I not ready for them, they aren't ready for me. They, being the administrators. They want to believe that every student they accept onto their prestigious campus will succeed in their goals, both short and long, life term goals. And most will. I won't? Well, I'm there (or would be there) to find as many short cuts as possible. I would try to succeed in cutting corners within the highly-demanding environment. And then I would fail in the long term goals for not doing the work as intended. But the reason they aren't ready for me is because I intend to out-perform and over-achieve all of their requirements, but in only few of the ways the curriculum was written. I don't want to go to a university to get good grades, I want to go because I want to learn, and gain skills and improve my life based on the education I receive. That is my goal. Therefore, it is very possible for me to achieve my goal of learning, but also fail/average out in the eyes of the grade book.
     If I want to become a sociologist to study the behavior of people to benefit market research firms in order to more effectively organize and distribute advertising, and an exam asks me how the increasing global population will effectively increase consumers, I could very likely miss the point the professor was trying to make and fail the test, but I would still come out with an understanding of how the mass market is consistently growing and how to analyze the wealth distribution between the social groups. I learned it in class, but a simple misinterpretation could have negative implications towards the study. After "failing" the test, I would go back to understand the mistakes. Oh, that's what I missed. Professor, could we discuss this further? My grade won't change, because that's not how the system works, but I would come out a better educated man. I'm not there to study and perspire facts late at night before the exam; I'm not there to impress the administration with a superb GPA; I'm not there because a girl I like took the same class (but that would be kinda nice); I am there because I am paying to have my life improved. My life would  be improved if I got good grades. But good grades aren't the motivation: the effect of doing quality work is good grades. When you understand the difference, and start to live by it as I do, you'll find your life, no really, your life, to be of greater value.

Is this supposed to be about why I haven't applied to schools or why I can't pick a major? Shit, I don't remember. One is because of the other, and either way, they're basically the same thing at this point. Now let's think of this conclusively: if I want to go to a university, I need to pick a major. As I've been told, I could pick two, or I could go major/minor, etc. That's basically a guarantee, because there's absolutely no way I'll be able to choose just one craft. Luckily, some consist of others.

But I've suddenly decided this post isn't going to become a weighing of which I like more or which offers more/better career paths or ease or difficultly or cost or schools or amount of schooling or so on. Those are a good place to start, however, for my next post (or next next, whatever, whenever). I have expressed what I wanted to say, and in all efforts to procrastinate and prolong this very important life decision, I will stop here.

A Blip on Introverts

Watching this kinda helped me feel better about myself.

Cocky Neighbor

I work on my car in my driveway so often that I get asked about it by neighbors. This story isn't about what I've done recently, but what someone else did recently.

A neighbor of a different street has to pass by mine to get to where he's going. He's a guy a bit older than me whom I have never met, but I've seen this buy more often than I've seen most of my own friends this whole year.
     He drives a BMW E36 M3. Naturally, it's a proper manual, as it should be. I know this just by listening to the engine/his gear changes as he drives by. It also has a loud exhaust, although I'm not sure if it is stock; those cars, similar to my dad's, actually do have good-sounding engines from the factory. Irrelevant; anyway:
     I've seen him go down the street, and in all likeliness, he's probably seen me outside working on my car. I've never talked to him, made eye contact, or anything. But earlier this night, that sort of changed. It did, but didn't...?

I was driving my car, and stopped at a red light, waiting to turn left. To my left, he stops at his red light, waiting to turn left. I think there was another guy in there too. Remember, my Miata is pretty distinguishable with its cheesy racing stripes on the side. So he knows it's me, just as I know it's him over there.

(getting to the point)
Imagine being me: I have a pretty bone-stock car. Not loud, not fast (but still fun!). I know his is fast and loud. I know he'd easily whoop my ass in a race. But I think my stripes on the car give the impression that mine is a fast car.
     I get the green light first, so I turn onto the street he's on, passing next to him. What am I supposed to do? Drive normally? Rev my dinky engine? Overpower it and drift past? Do I look at him, give a dirty look, a neutral, or a smirk, or smile?
     The first one: drive normally. It wasn't a hard decision.

     But he revs his engine as I pass by. What? Why? Was he being cocky? Was he just saying "Hey, I know you"? I doubt that. Did he give me a look? I don't know; frankly, I ignored it, finished my turn, and didn't look at him at all.

Most of you (if any of you) probably think I'm really over analyzing this. I admit this is a really uneventful story. But in guy terms, in car guy terms... let me put it this way:
     Two cars pull up to a red light. One revs his engine. This means one and only one thing: race on green. Roll the windows down and give each other the nod and rev engines more, if you want. Etc.
     So him revving his engine as I pass by is a bit confusing to me. He was being cocky, yes, but what am I supposed to do? U-turn and pull up next to him? No...

I dunno. This is just bothering me.

This pretty much sums up my last few posts. I drew this during class today.

I Keep Forgetting

that a friendship doesn't mean romance or mutual liked feelings. Liking someone just as a friend is a completely reasonable and often overlooked aspect in my mind. 

Between my other posts, I think I've tried to share how I've prevented myself from entering romantic relationships that frankly didn't exist in the first place. But I've skimped over pursuing a legitimate friendly association with these girls. 

The reason why, and I am trying to understand this as I type, is because I have had either no or poor friendly relationships. Simply put: I haven't had good friends. It feels like, I just know people. And they know me. And sometimes we do things together. Friends, yes, but not good friends. Not mutual friendships. I'm always, well, most often the initiator of actions with someone else. I'm not invited places unless I'm already hanging out with someone. I'm not called to do something. I don't go to parties or the movies or the beach. If this is to happen, I have to be the one to put myself out there. 

     As a kid, that's what I did: invite myself. I would find out about something, and try to have myself included. I would knock on friend's doors just to see if they were home (before cell phones, kids). 

     As I grew up, I accepted I wasn't really welcome because of my personality and lack of social buzz, so I did less and less of that. Even between the group of people I would eat lunch with during high school, when one of them had a movie party, I felt that I was invited out of pity, not because I would be enjoyed. For example: I had been hanging out with them for two years. In my yearbook, one of them wrote something like, "It's been nice getting to know you this year, you're almost part of the group!" As if to imply I had only been there one year, not two.

     I had also fitted myself into another group of friends, who became a little closer knit. One of them became my (now, ex) girlfriend. And that's where my second outlook on friendship arises. My first outlook, just to be clear, is that I don't belong. My second, specifically with a girl I like, is that we may eventually become more than friends. 

That's why I have written what I wrote recently. This mentality is where my insecurities come from. I have trouble being a girl's friend because I have the previous experience of becoming more than friends. 

I can't treat a friendship with her like I would with a guy friend because my existing guy friendships aren't good either. Following me? 

Maintaining a friendship with anyone would be easier for me if I knew how. I need someone to be there. Isn't that what a friend should be? There?

Good Tidings

I feel better now then I did last night. A bit like a weight was lifted. And more things have been learned about myself. I have new ambitions.

I'm going to focus more on being a better person to myself. Ways to treat myself right. I do mean in terms of exercising, but more than that. Less selfishness and more selflessness. To stop being needy for feelings I don't receive and a lifestyle that doesn't exist. I will calm down, keep to myself again, and accept how the way things are. This isn't the time of change, this is a time for concentration in more important things. This means my last week of school, helping my parents more around the house, and keeping my room and my mind neat and tidy.

And to keep in touch with my passive-aggressive attitude, I'll be seeking self fulfillment, because I know that I'm not going to find any from anyone else. My rudeness makes yet another unwelcome appearance, and that'd why people don't want to be with me, because sometimes I'm a real ass.

More Thoughts on Loneliness

I am quite tired, as you can tell from the post's published time.
But there's just a little more that I want to get off my chest, after having finished the last post. Sort of like a follow-up.

Love is a vague term. I love my car differently than I love my cats than I love a girl. My cats, whom this post will focus, are the closest to my heart. My heart does have space reserved for a girl, for a proper relationship, but she could never take the place of my cats.
     I have 5 cats. Right now, 3 of them are sleeping on my bed. That's partly why I'm not in bed, because I don't fit without moving them. I can't, though, they're just so cute.
     They're so fuzzy. So sweet. So calming.

They can make my day better or worse, but usually better. They can run away from me, or come to me when they want. They can keep me warm. But mostly they can be picked up, and held.

I can hold them in my arms several times a day. This is what keeps me okay. This is what has kept me okay for years of loneliness.

They don't ask for much; they're cats. Cats are mostly independent creatures. But since they're domestic animals, they do come back for food and water and a litter box and a cozy place to sleep.

This point is rather obvious, but they don't judge (as most animals don't). The relevance lies in their capacity to bring comfort, no matter who you are, what you are, and what you do. They don't preconceive opinions about you like people do, they just... like your company.

Cats are the best kind of company. I can budge them out of the way, just enough, and they'll still stay. Or get annoyed and leave, depending on which of my cats. One I can cuddle with the most; one, not so much.

They all "meow" differently, and I love how each is different. I like to mimic them. Like, talk to them. Most of them will respond. They'll come just to be petted. Or to be let out, or let in, or to ask to refill the food bowl, etc. But there is an inherent sweetness in their voice that I never cease to ignore. It's the greatest sound to me; a cat's meow. Other cat noises are nice too, purring being the next big one. And there on my bed, as I pet one of them, that's what I hear. The soft vibration of a small furry animal who enjoys being petted.

And as a small sidenote, that's why I have also always enjoyed touching a girl's hair. Not because I expect her to purr, but because I just like the feeling against my hand. Silky hair or not, it doesn't matter, I just like stroking hair. It calms me down. It's relaxing.

But that's what's often missing. A girl's hair to be appreciated, and a girl to love for everything about her. The moments, the quiet moments when, well, literally petting her hair is appropriate and enjoyable are the little treasures in my life. If I could make her happy, and if she could fall asleep in my arms, I would be happy to an extent words can't describe.


Cats, though, my cats are always here. I can come home, and by the end of the day, I'll have a friend, a close friend, to pick up, hold in my arms, pet, and fall asleep with. That may be an odd request for a significant other, but if she really is, it wouldn't be odd at all.

A Week of Happenings

Sometimes when I write, I start from present and work back. Other times I pick a day and move forward. I don't know how I have chosen either, but today I'll go with, yesterday. And work backwards for as far as I can remember to tell.

I become lucky in finding girls who have a really great, fun personality. Woah, I don't mean to say a lot; five specifically. That's going to be the theme for today. These four. And they all have two things in common: great people, and really far away.
     Today I went to an art gallery to see Lego sculptures. Not kidding. A guy professionally builds sculptures with Lego bricks. And they are on display at the time of this writing.
     A girl I met at school recently-ish whom I've vaguely mentioned in previous posts lives sort-of in the area as the exhibit. So I asked if she wanted to see this unique artwork. To be honest, I would have gone to see it without her because I'm really interested in seeing it, but I'm more happy since she agreed to check it out with me.
     Before the exhibit, she suggested to grab something to eat. I'm all in favor for more things to do. Portos, was it? I really liked the sandwich, even if I didn't express it very well. They have a lot of good food! (I hear.)
     In my car again, which itself is an adventure. I know I talk about the things I do to the car, but I haven't really expressed the driving experience. You may or may not know that Miata's get a bad rap for being gay and small and an underdog, but those are by people who haven't driven one. It's popularity comes from being reliable, a flaw among the British roadsters that it was modeled after. Also, it is customizable and upgradable in many ways, from aesthetics to power to handling. And that's where it shines best: handling, for an inexpensive sports coupé. It commonly makes comparisons with a go-cart. Power isn't admirable, and anyone seeking power either has to pay for the upgrades, or pay for another car. This thing is about the love of driving, especially when it's on a clear, windy mountain road with the top down (which I have been fortunate enough to take it on).
     But back to today. We went to see large models of plastic bricks. This shit blows people's minds, and like the artist, I love seeing people's reactions to what can be accomplished with these simple bricks. Check out more of his work!
     After, and this is what caught me by surprise: she suggested we just lay down in the shade. Me, being exactly that type of calm person, was surprised to see her, a girl of many words and motion (she moves around a lot) wanted to relax. But that's what we did, for.. a half hour? I guess. We found a quiet place on a concrete planter's edge under a tree and minimally talked and took a few awkward pictures.

     This is where I have trouble expressing my thoughts into words. In fact, there's a time and a place, and that's not here. I can't, not now. I'm sorry.

     We left the shady tree and the museum and I intended to drive the car down Mulholland Drive. But then my car started acting up. Looking back on it, I'm glad it did. The road is winding through the mountains, which makes it a fun road, but it's not one of the more empty ones... coppers, if you know what I mean. Also, as I may have enjoyed the driving experience, my passenger may have not. Not because I would have driven hard, but the tight corners would naturally cause stress to someone not knowing if the car would handle it. Lastly, because I had to be in class about 2 hours from then. A detour would have caused me to be late.
     In fact, I was late anyway. Blame the 405. Which, by the way, my dad tells me has gotten worse. He used to drive it to Santa Monica daily to work, and he quit because he got sick and tired of the commute. He intended to find me (hah) on my way back, and when I got home he claims it's worse than when he quit (a matter of at least 4 years ago). Anyway, together with careful driving and the traffic, I was late to class anyway.
     But in regards to the girl, I had a very nice day; certainly a change of pace. I wonder if it was a change for her too. Hopefully. It would make me feel a little more special to be different. The next time I see her, after my car's been repaired (I'll talk about that when it happens), I want it to be at night, for her to experience a single joy that's exclusive to my type of car: a convertible with the top down in a place of no lights, looking up at the stars and trees passing over the road. I (finally) fell in love with my car the night I got to do this (with someone else driving my car), and I would love for others to experience this too.

Last weekend, however, I met another girl. I'm probably not going to see her ever again. This sucks, because she was just... I don't know, I can't be more creative than to say "perfect." Obviously she has imperfections, but good ones. However, there are some that can't be ignored:
1. (keeping with the theme) she lives far away, approx two hours.
2. it was only one afternoon that we got know each other, and it's not love I'm declaring, but despite how much we got to know each other, one day just isn't sufficient.
Although that is something she has in common with the one I most recently spent my day with. It was a fairly minimal amount of days that I learned a lot about her.
3. She's 16. I'm 20. In the long run, it's not weird for a 32yo to be with a 28yo, but college and high school does significantly set two people apart.
4. She also doesn't have a phone or facebook, imagine that. Her phone's broken, I gave her my number anyway, and she gave me a cute note saying she'll text me. I trust her.
     But there's more to my mind than just relationships. (Although as I think about it now, that seems to be a lot of what I talk about. I didn't notice that before. I'll keep that in mind.)

Having been in a relationship for two years, and it having ended... 4 months ago, I'm still getting used to the lonely lifestyle again. I hate that I want to be attached (in a good way) to someone again, but only now is when I'm realizing that this is so evident.

     Anyway, during that weekend, my mother, who makes her own jewelry and tries to sell it at craft fairs, brought me along to help her with set-up and stuff. But during the fair, for the three days, at a winery, I chose to find a quiet (but still public, open) spot to draw.

Yes, I do like to draw. Yes, that's entirely pencil sketching. No, it's not finished. No, I didn't draw this in three days, especially not in those conditions I was in (windy, distracting, etc.). No, I don't know who this girl is. I found the photograph on another blog of pretty pictures. Yes, I will update you when I finish it. It may be by next week, depending if I actually work on it and not my car.

During the three days, I spent at least two hours sitting and drawing. People at the winery/fair would walk by, few of which were courageous enough to compliment me. I don't meant to sound cocky, but hey, based on the compliments, everyone declares they can't even come close.
     Four people, I kept track, said they could only draw stick figures. Two of them had confidence in the quality of their stick figures. The other two did not.
     The good news, other than the girl asking to sit next to me on the third day, was that on the first day, a woman working in the vineyard, who I assume is a PR or advertising type of person, asked me for my card. I told her this is a hobby (because it is) and I don't have a card. She asked for my name and number, and complimented my work. She asked about an idea she had for something I could draw, I said certainly. She left and brought back the manager of the vineyard to show him what I was doing. Dude, that's cool. He liked it too. So maybe, sometime, I might get a phone call for a commission. I can only hope. I have no idea what my price is, so that's something I need to research from other artists.
     One thing that has stuck to me about this girl I met: I taught her things. I, and I don't mean to be cocky again, but I improved her life, at least her outlook on it. I shared my experience from being in high school, being in college, and the kinds of lessons I've learned through the years, specifically about other people. And then about herself. She and I have fairly opposite personalities (like all the other girls in this post), but this one stuck out the most because she is the most independent. Not in regards to responsibility, but social status. For various reasons, people at her high school don't like her. But me, I really like her. She seeks approval from people, whereas I can sit back and relax as others watch me. Her paranoia gets to her. It used to get to me too, but I've learned to deal with it. I've learned confidence and learned about my self-esteem. I've learned who I am and what I can do and who affects that. I know what my skills are with other people. That doesn't mean I'm good with other people, but I know how to deal with people. I know what is worth fighting for. This is a very difficult thing for many people to figure out. Most have to stand their ground. Me: I let them. This dismisses negative judgement. This creates a more common bond between people...more "neutral" than it is negative or positive. I know what it means to be assertive, and I know what it means to be accepted. I know when to dismiss the thoughts of others for my own well-being. I know how to act when I seek acceptance. But mostly, I know how to be me, a definition for which varies too far to be understood in language: it's an understanding in the mind, granted you've known me long enough, or at least read all of my writing.
     This girl was, and not in a bad way, but the best kind of way: an open book. She had never met anyone like me. To hear the way I think was new to her. But we shared so many similar experiences of exclusion in high school that I knew what she was talking about.
     And it just sort of happened: she trusted me, with so much of her life. It didn't take that long, either. I don't want to brag, but it's like I had this calming effect on this disorganized girl. I helped sort out her thoughts. I explained that this is how some things are, this is how I've dealt with it, and it's okay to be this kind of person. She was someone I could vent to, as well. Very much how I vent on here. It's the closest I've ever felt to another mind.
     Granted, my heart has felt closer to my ex-girlfriend, but to be honest, she didn't really "get" me, not as well as I would have wished. Not at all during our relationship. We had chemistry in other ways, but not enough in... this department. This 16yo girl, she got me. And I got her. She sat with me for maybe five hours, while we talked and I sort-of drew. And that's the closest I've ever felt to what's inside someone else's head. But... she's four years younger... I hope you can see why this means something to me.
     Although I do want to point out a small detail... it's not love... I loved my ex, I did, very much so, and I know what that feeling is. That's from the heart. And it took some time to get there. Not a long time, but certainly more than a day. The young girl, I do really like her, but that's my logical mind speaking.
     If I do admit to love within this post, I could almost say it's for the girl I spent yesterday with. But I can't admit to that, because it's way too soon, I'd rather be a good friend rather than more than a friend, and she'd rather have that too. So I can't. And a moment after thinking about it more, I don't. I'm not going to jeopardize something I don't even have yet. Additionally, I don't want another failure, another loss.

There's my mind, finally in words. Finally out there. No more "What are you thinking?" because that, that's what I'm constantly thinking. How I have to repress myself from trying to hard. How to keep myself from just thinking too much. So I can stop changing the subject each time she asks and just tell her that. I can say, "I'm just thinking about how to be a friend," and that's it.

That's also it for the post, too. Nevermind the other girls with the "theme," I've already said enough about myself. I don't need to keep sharing my past. I need to put more thought into what kind of person I am, and what I am to other people. I feel disappointed in myself for doing this.
     Especially since the girl I spent yesterday with told me she has read some of my other posts. That's left me with the notion that she's going to read this, so I've felt like I'm talking to her, especially since I don't know if anyone reads this.

But this is me, being honest. I usually can't help it, honesty is something that's wired in. This kind of honesty just escapes in this writing; this self-expression. So it is basically a public diary. But it helps me to know that someone might read it and hopefully help me, but I never get feedback, and I'm never helped otherwise. But now I feel bad for exposing myself like this. I feel worse for telling her this in this way.

But mostly, I feel that she needs to know this, because I can't express this verbally.

Opinion Time

This is what my car looks like now:

This is not photoshopped. This is real.

It is only painted on this one side. The next photos are photoshopped.

On the other side, should I...
duplicate what I have:

Straight lines

Or paint this new design:

Flowing "leaves"

I am leaning towards the "leaf blowing in the wind" effect, but I'd like to know how ridiculous this seems. Or not! Whatever. Let me know, straight lines or flowing leaves.

Note: The car is going to later be re-painted entirely to a new color, so in the meantime, I wanted to have fun with my... toy. Now it really looks more like a toy, on top of it already being small. It's ridiculously fun, don't hate.

Summer To-Do List

I don't have a large list, which is sad, but this is what matters to me most:

• Driving through the Santa Monica Mountains (again, hopefully not alone this time)
• Camp for a night in the desert, away from city lights
• Make a pizza with anything on it
• Continue upgrading my car in various ways (that's a separate list)
• Finish my summer class (with flying colors!)
• Teach more people how to drive a manual (4 so far!)
• Read, draw, write

Like I said, not a long list. But I would like to add to it.

Paraphrasing a Famous Quote

You live a life.

What can be said about it?

Regression

I think I might be regressing. Maybe not. Maybe in a new direction.

I have, for a long time, enjoyed being a lonely quiet person.

Recently, particularly for the last 2 months or so, I've opened up a little. It is, I admit, due in part to my break-up, but I like to not remember that and consider my slowly-changing personality as a reflection of will-power. I also have a few people to thank for this, one very kind girl in particular. She didn't give me hope, but she did remind me that there is hope. Hope in finding happiness.

I have learned through experiences and advice that relationships (with anyone) and "who you know" is more important than the skills that get you somewhere. Now I'm here reflecting on this, and can't agree more.

Having a solid skill-set is immensely important, but having people to share the skills, or the passion, with is more important. Some experiences are best had alone; I'm definitely one to say how true this statement is. But self-fulfillment is only limited to one very small thing: yourself. One individual can be very fulfilled in a variety of ways and opportunities that all brought forth by oneself.
      But more opportunities are presented after personal relations have set foot. And then the accomplishments can be shared with these affiliations.

This is where the light is dimming again for me. Between now and when the light first got brighter, I can honestly say I am proud and thankful of what has happened in my life (much of which I haven't written about). Just recently, however, I feel okay with narrowing my line of sight and focusing on small tasks at hand, rather than reaching out to other people. I gave it a go; I saw friends I haven't seen for a while many times recently. Yet instead of feeling satisfied with this increased company, I feel out of place, and want to resort to being preoccupied with the nonsense in my mind. This is also to say I'm not looking to move forward in life. I want to nestle in to where I am, and cry about this ridiculous decision I've suddenly decided to make. I don't feel appreciated by the work I've done to help other people, so I prefer the time when I was forgotten.

Thoughts on Deomcracy

Henceforth is an analysis of democracy and instability, which included graphs and data (not included here). I'm not a political person, so this is the most politics you'll see me write.

This may come as a surprise to most people, but an autocracy, let alone a totalitarian regime, isn’t as bad as it sounds. It is the dictators who abuse the power that cause the system to become corrupt and instability to ensue.
     That said, a democracy is also a great idea in theory. But again, it is the governing body that manipulates the system and its people, thus destroying what a democracy is meant to be. The greater the democracy within a society, the less instability there will be. This is the grounds for a successful future as long as politics, as it is today, avoids involvement in the government. If politicians were to respect the definition of democracy as it was best illustrated in classic Athenian times, then this would also be acceptable and beneficial for stability in the state. However, they will not, thus the theory remains just that: a theory.
     In layman’s terms, true democracy brings power to the people. It is also referred to as “direct democracy,” in which all the citizens of the society are solely responsible for the decisions made in government. All citizens vote for the elected officials and vote on the laws to be passed. It follows the consent of the majority. But because of the heavy citizen involvement, it takes much time for results to appear. Details aside, this encourages the preferred “representative democracy.” Citizens still vote for the elected officials, but citizens have less interaction in the choices made by these officials. Citizens vote through, or are represented by, their chosen officials. Especially today, this is preferred because people are less obligated to participate; people are less obligated to follow the complex structure of politics. They trust their representatives to make the informed decisions for them.
     In either case, the concept of democracy remains the same: the people, rather than one or a few leaders, make the decisions for the masses. Democracy promotes equality and freedom of choice throughout the citizens. This leads to a greater peace of mind, knowing each of their votes counted.
     Instability refers to the entropy of a society. It’s inevitable, let’s start there. Instability is a good thing over the long course of time. Why? How on Earth? That’s it, the Earth! Entropy is a fundamental system in nature in which everything breaks down. This leads to new things to replace the old. It’s a cycle. In one word: Change. Instability promotes change.
     This presents a very pleasant scenario. We want change? We want instability.
     What is the problem? Overcoming change. But that is what we humans are best at: solving problems to overcome the “inconveniences” presented in our lives.
     Instability is negatively viewed by those who are the inconvenience to others.
In which case, instability is bad. Whether or not these people are the cause, a breaking-down society is an alarm for two likely actions: run away, or defeat it. Defeat the destruction of your way of life by banding together, or pushing the responsibility to those who can defeat it. And thus, we are presented with direct and represented democracy. I fear as though I made this full-circle argument too early.
     Basically, instability is synonymous with chaos and change. It depends on what side of the equation you’re on for whether “change” is good or bad, and for whom.
     Some countries, which generally aren’t considered democratic countries, don’t lead me to believe that they are also “unstable.” They aren’t as stable, not in the sense we would want them to be (which is to be like us), but I would argue they are stable in different ways. Mainly, people would not admit to a happy lifestyle, but my assumption is that they would not admit to a chaotic lifestyle. Obviously there are exceptions, but upon arriving to any one of those countries, would you find yourself in present social unrest? Panic in the streets? For this analysis, “instability” would have to be revised to a more long-term, slowly active means of social unrest. Instability would have to pertain to a weak economic marketplace, lack of central sanitation and utilities, and a broken curriculum for education. These types of representations for an unstable country aren’t listed here, and would be difficult to measure. I recognize instability in an umbrella term, but this is why we can’t discuss it for these arguments: too broad, there’s not a simple encompassing term. Plus, if I were to broaden this term, I should also broaden what it means to be and have democracy. For the sake of my argument, it’s best to identify the core characteristics in order to keep the instability within this paper to a minimum.
     Democracy is dependent on the involvement of its society’s citizens. If they don’t participate, it might as well be a monarchy or similar. And the same goes for how officials are elected, if at all: if the citizens don’t vote, then it’s not a democracy. Whether or not media has any freedoms has nothing to do with “democracy” itself; it’s a right granted to the people by the government. Freedom of demonstrations, organizations, religion, and protection from terror are important and do deserve recognition as factors of the equation, but they don’t define a democracy. The one that comes closest is freedom of demonstration, but the rest of the group holds it back. Perceived corruption (which will not be counted) least determines whether a society is democratic: indoctrination is the key element here, especially since we’re regarding “perception” as the variable. You can’t quantify that, therefore it’s of the least useful information for a strong argument.
     The most valid measure of instability would be how well the government can support its citizens. When citizens are supported by the governing body, there is/should be stability. Table 8 shows how likely the citizens will protest, and Table 11 shows how threatening the protests will be. But the threat intensity doesn’t reflect the political structure: it reflects the determination and moral ties of the protestors. Therefore it’s not counted. Satisfaction, however, reflects opportunities (which can be controlled by the governing body) and indoctrination (media telling us what we should live up to). It’s mixed.

(...after several graphs and explanations...)

Despite concluding evidence I just assembled, I feel a bit cheated. I don’t think these results are… conclusive enough. I feel as though there are many more variables to affect these results, many more studies that have yet to be or cannot be done, and so little time this has taken to arrive as such a favorable conclusion.
    Please, don’t assume I thought this was easy work. Lots of thought on philosophy and definitions and interpretations went into my beginning arguments for what democracy is, plus a global overlook as to how instability should be evaluated. Then the math, the tedious multiplying and adding of oh so many numbers, several times over when one small mistake is made: this was not a breeze. My dissatisfaction of my results is due in part to how little I was involved in gathering the data. I did not travel to witness the political and economic conditions of these countries, nor did I discuss these findings with the surveyors or the analysts that review this data for a living. I also don’t feel as though what I was given are the choice factors in determining “democracy” or “stability,” and I’ve already expressed my opinions on those previously. They are a good place to start, I don’t deny that, but it’s just too simple. For the purposes of accurate research, this small classroom activity has loads of potential.
    I am satisfied with this being a small project, though. It wasn’t enough to drive me crazy; it just took time, that’s all. Seeing as how it could have taken more, I’m pleased that it didn’t. What was given was enough to provide thought-provoking illustrations as to how these complex systems work. That’s the job of these people: to condense these massive matters into fathomable collections of data that fit nicely on a page (or a hundred, if they incline to produce journals of this stuff). That is what I like most about topics like democracy: it has been discussed for thousands of years, printed into thousands of books and hundreds of websites, and influenced billions of people over the course of our time. The fact that we can gather this understanding and correlate it with yet another complex concept such as instability is a feat unto itself. I find that although it is difficult to quantify, it can be easily understood that democracy, a mutual agreement between people, leads to mutual happiness. Unstable groups of people are unstable simply because they don’t share a mutual bond; they don’t agree with each other. My thinking isn’t based on a thousand years of research, no: at this point, it’s only common sense.

Also, I have decided to move to Canada.