what are my career goals;
what are my college goals;
what are my automotive goals;
what are my friendship goals;
what are my relationship goals;
what are my family goals;
how am I going to make some money to pay for things I like;
why hasn't Vons replied to my application;
where am I going to swap out the clutch in my car so I don't have to pay $500 for a mechanic to do it;
who can help me swap it;
why don't the people I text get back to me;
I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a friendship with a girl that just isn't meant to be;
I feel like I shouldn't even be trying to hold onto another friendship;
it would really help if they would text back/tell me something;
I don't like being this alone, people...
but I don't like being a nag;
When I was growing up, my sister was always the star child, and I was always second best to our parents. So I grew up with resentment. And she put me down and blamed everything on me. I could never get my parents to see she wasn't perfect. But now she's out of the house, married (holy crap), and doesn't talk to them anymore. My mom keeps telling me how my sister doesn't respond to any messages. This makes her real sad. And all I want to say was, "told ya so.";
My mom enters craft fairs in which she tries to sell the jewelry she hand-makes. Since she doesn't like my dad, I'm the only one left to help her. This means going with her to the fairs at 8 in the morning to set up the tent and displays, and then sit there for 8-12 hours trying to stay awake. Only one person bought something today. One, out of hundreds that walk past our booth like a museum. This is infuriating to me and my mother, who works so hard on the pieces and the display. Entry/booth fees and hotel fees and gas costs add up, and not one show has been able to pay for itself. People just aren't in the mood to treat themselves (or their SO) to something genuinely nice. But I'm still here sitting, watching, greeting people who walk in, keeping her company. Arguably, I probably wouldn't be very productive at home, but spending multiple weekends at fairs really isn't satisfying for either of us;
Something that keeps me happy, entertained, and distracted is reddit. There's something good and bad about this: Does it make me smile, do I learn new things, can I always find relief? Yes. Is it productive, it is a good use of my time? No;
I started a piece of artwork because I missed drawing. Now I remember why I stopped: the stress of imperfection. Everything else as turned out fine (acceptable, not fantastic). Even the left side of the hair turned out fine. But the right side is a horrible mess. The reference photo lacks detail in this dark area, but I can't replicate the darkness because it's a scaled up drawing. Any normal person expects detail there. And what I've come up with is shit. The hair is cluttered, fake, stringy, and flat. So now it is a burden to work on, because I loathe the outcome. ...but I have to finish it, I'm not going to leave an otherwise nice portrait without half a head of hair. I've been complimented on the art. I want the pride of finishing it. If I have any intentions of pursuing art school, I definitely need something to show for it;
College. The first sub-topic is my upcoming semester. I'm already enrolled in 18 units. Fuck me. But I chose that. I had (I think) 16 units a year ago, but those were mostly art and film classes. This semester suicide plan includes physics, calculus, english 1C, debate, and beginning sign language. Honestly, I look forward to the subjects. But all of them together is probably too much for my work mentality. I want to do this, I do. This is the education I want to pursue. I need to work at it. My plan is to run through it for the first two weeks. That second Friday is my deadline to decide. That's when I can drop a class and receive a full refund. The way that my schedule is laid out indicates calculus would be the one to go, should I decide to drop any. Its time block is annexed from the rest of the classes. This is a difficult decision because I took pre-calc last semester, and if I postpone calc, I may (will) forget too much. Hopefully the two buffer weeks will be enough;
Sub-topic two: major. I'm still declared as "General Studies of Fine Arts." In my last post, I told I want to become an automotive engineer. This actually deserves its own paragraph;
Okay, so I'm being more picky than any regular person should be about this. I want to be an engineer and designer. I want to draw/sculpt the shape of the vehicle, and then I want to construct the powerplant and mechanical characteristics of the chassis. ...as part of a team. For a company. The best examples of my intended career goal is to be an employee of Morgan, Pagani, or Tesla. These are automotive manufacturers that more tightly bond the creative side with the technical side of what goes into their vehicles. Their employee count is low and limited, but in my eyes, highly prestigious. They produce beautiful cars, and their craftsmanship is outstanding.
In regards to a major, I don't know which to choose. Universities have distinctly separated mechanical and artistic careers for those dedicated individuals who want only that. I have to commit to, well, the more reliable of the two for greater chances in getting to where I want to go. I'll have to research this in depth. Unfortunately, other things in my life currently have precedence.
This also means researching the right school to seek my education, so that's yet another bother;
I don't need more people in my life. I just need people to be closer. I want people to share these things with. I shouldn't have to resort to spilling out feelings like a confession just to feel like someone is going to read and respond to this. There is still plenty I am keeping to myself, because I do certainly have boundaries. Some confidentiality must remain in my thoughts. But there's so much I wish I could share with someone, or people... I am a person too, I do need love and friendship, and for all the attacking I've dealt with, I really think it is time to stop ignoring me.
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