Been Busy

With recent activity impeding time to write, I apologize, for I wish I could have been able to settle and express the thoughts crossing my mind. I will share them later; as a bonus, content will be more concise as only the important details will be remembered and retold. The juiciness, well, I'll do my best to lather in as much as I can.

A Favorite

I love the look of a girl's face during and shortly after she's woken up. Smiling or not, I just love that tired look. It's a rare, treasured, and privileged sight to see.

Thoughts on Suicide

I think about suicide, but I don't think about committing it. I don't think about others committing it, either. I think about why I won't. 

I do feel I won't be missed by many people, and not for long. My mom and dad, they'll miss me. Judging by the amount of texts I get each day, my friends won't miss me. 

     So if it's not people that affect my decision to live, what is? It's not what I have accomplished thus far. It's not because I haven't gotten certain things in life yet. 

     It is because I have potential. I have aspirations to help and influence others. I want to make myself valuable so when I do die, I will be missed. If I die now, there's not much to be said. When I've made a difference, when I have worth, then my memory will live on without me. 

Is this to say I'm not ready to die? In fact, I am. I accept that I, at any moment, can and might die. Though unlikely most of the time, I recognize life is a gift and a privilege. No matter who you are, I personally believe not a single person deserves to live. People make the decision to live. 

     In that respect, I choose to live, because I have no reason to kill myself, but I also understand my life, just like anyone else, is fragile. I accept that I will die, but in no means do I want to. Not yet.

I want to continue to live because there is a fantastic world out beyond my reach and people's lives I may have the opportunity to touch. It is my choice, only limited by my abilities, to find and pursue those opportunities.

Accomplishments

Things I did this summer:

think too much.
Smile.

Too Many Things

It would be false to say I've been too busy or too much has happened, whereas the description of "too much on my mind" falls suit. Too much would be,

what are my career goals;

what are my college goals;

what are my automotive goals;

what are my friendship goals;

what are my relationship goals;

what are my family goals;

how am I going to make some money to pay for things I like;

why hasn't Vons replied to my application;

where am I going to swap out the clutch in my car so I don't have to pay $500 for a mechanic to do it;

who can help me  swap it;

why don't the people I text get back to me;

I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a friendship with a girl that just isn't meant to be;

I feel like I shouldn't even be trying to hold onto another friendship;

it would really help if they would text back/tell me something;

I don't like being this alone, people...

but I don't like being a nag;

When I was growing up, my sister was always the star child, and I was always second best to our parents. So I grew up with resentment. And she put me down and blamed everything on me. I could never get my parents to see she wasn't perfect. But now she's out of the house, married (holy crap), and doesn't talk to them anymore. My mom keeps telling me how my sister doesn't respond to any messages. This makes her real sad. And all I want to say was, "told ya so.";

My mom enters craft fairs in which she tries to sell the jewelry she hand-makes. Since she doesn't like my dad, I'm the only one left to help her. This means going with her to the fairs at 8 in the morning to set up the tent and displays, and then sit there for 8-12 hours trying to stay awake. Only one person bought something today. One, out of hundreds that walk past our booth like a museum. This is infuriating to me and my mother, who works so hard on the pieces and the display. Entry/booth fees and hotel fees and gas costs add up, and not one show has been able to pay for itself. People just aren't in the mood to treat themselves (or their SO) to something genuinely nice. But I'm still here sitting, watching, greeting people who walk in, keeping her company. Arguably, I probably wouldn't be very productive at home, but spending multiple weekends at fairs really isn't satisfying for either of us;

Something that keeps me happy, entertained, and distracted is reddit. There's something good and bad about this: Does it make me smile, do I learn new things, can I always find relief? Yes. Is it productive, it is a good use of my time? No;

I started a piece of artwork because I missed drawing. Now I remember why I stopped: the stress of imperfection. Everything else as turned out fine (acceptable, not fantastic). Even the left side of the hair turned out fine. But the right side is a horrible mess. The reference photo lacks detail in this dark area, but I can't replicate the darkness because it's a scaled up drawing. Any normal person expects detail there. And what I've come up with is shit. The hair is cluttered, fake, stringy, and flat. So now it is a burden to work on, because I loathe the outcome. ...but I have to finish it, I'm not going to leave an otherwise nice portrait without half a head of hair. I've been complimented on the art. I want the pride of finishing it. If I have any intentions of pursuing art school, I definitely need something to show for it;

College. The first sub-topic is my upcoming semester. I'm already enrolled in 18 units. Fuck me. But I chose that. I had (I think) 16 units a year ago, but those were mostly art and film classes. This semester suicide plan includes physics, calculus, english 1C, debate, and beginning sign language. Honestly, I look forward to the subjects. But all of them together is probably too much for my work mentality. I want to do this, I do. This is the education I want to pursue. I need to work at it. My plan is to run through it for the first two weeks. That second Friday is my deadline to decide. That's when I can drop a class and receive a full refund. The way that my schedule is laid out indicates calculus would be the one to go, should I decide to drop any. Its time block is annexed from the rest of the classes. This is a difficult decision because I took pre-calc last semester, and if I postpone calc, I may (will) forget too much. Hopefully the two buffer weeks will be enough;

     Sub-topic two: major. I'm still declared as "General Studies of Fine Arts." In my last post, I told I want to become an automotive engineer. This actually deserves its own paragraph;

Okay, so I'm being more picky than any regular person should be about this. I want to be an engineer and designer. I want to draw/sculpt the shape of the vehicle, and then I want to construct the powerplant and mechanical characteristics of the chassis. ...as part of a team. For a company. The best examples of my intended career goal is to be an employee of Morgan, Pagani, or Tesla. These are automotive manufacturers that more tightly bond the creative side with the technical side of what goes into their vehicles. Their employee count is low and limited, but in my eyes, highly prestigious. They produce beautiful cars, and their craftsmanship is outstanding. 

     In regards to a major, I don't know which to choose. Universities have distinctly separated mechanical and artistic careers for those dedicated individuals who want only that. I have to commit to, well, the more reliable of the two for greater chances in getting to where I want to go. I'll have to research this in depth. Unfortunately, other things in my life currently have precedence. 

     This also means researching the right school to seek my education, so that's yet another bother;

I don't need more people in my life. I just need people to be closer. I want people to share these things with. I shouldn't have to resort to spilling out feelings like a confession just to feel like someone is going to read and respond to this. There is still plenty I am keeping to myself, because I do certainly have boundaries. Some confidentiality must remain in my thoughts. But there's so much I wish I could share with someone, or people... I am a person too, I do need love and friendship, and for all the attacking I've dealt with, I really think it is time to stop ignoring me.

Thinking Out Loud

A while ago, I posted a question on my facebook asking, what should I do? The one answer that stuck with me, and wrote down to read everyday, was,

"Do the impossible!"

And now, this has a new meaning. I'm going to be grinning every time I think about this. And it's going to be fun.

Thoughts on Applying for Universities

Many people are familiar with applying for college, a process which starts between now and winter, I guess. I don't know anything about that process. Granted, I am a junior at a community college, but applying for my current school isn't the same as applying to a university.

Why haven't I? Several reasons, my dear. The first and foremost is my unwillingness to commit to a lifestyle choice. Aka career. You see, there are things I like to do, such as:

• Write. I haven't really done stories, but I am good with voice.
• Draw. Graphite does (somehow) spread nicely under my control.
• Compose. Graphic art/illustration. 
• Photography. A moment of life, frozen.
• Film/edit. If I had the cast, I'll be the crew. I do like to tell visual stories. 
• Journalism. There is an art in forming opinions.
• Animate. Motion graphics and visual effects impress me.
• Play with Lego's. I like the creative freedom of plastic rectangles.
• Carpentry. Whether it's film equipment or a tree house, I like working with and designing with wood.
• Halloween itself isn't a hobby, but I do like combining all^ that into a walk-through attraction in my front yard.
• Working on cars. I love discovering how mine works, and how to improve it.
• Driving. Being one with the car on the right roads is bliss.
• Teaching. Passing on information through education is satisfying.
• Programming. It just blows my mind. Maths!

Very important to note: These are things I like doing, I didn't say I am good at them. Also, they aren't in any order; just what came to my mind first.
     And although I'm not bragging I am good at all those things, I find the purpose of college is to become good/great at one or two of those things. That's my dilemma: choosing which "hobby" to pursue into a career.

I will, however, and despite what I just said, brag that I am decently good at most of those things. If you know me well enough and have seen my/me work, you would conclude I would master it if I received further, higher education, because I would have the motivation to do so.

Okay, so that's the first reason I didn't apply to college last year, or before, or during high school when all the smart kids did. My second reason is, I am incredibly fucking lazy. I didn't, and mind you, don't want to fill out (and pay for) college applications, some of which require samples of work. I could apply to schools, I should, but then comes the next reasons:

I don't want to take out loans like most kids have already. I don't want to set myself back before I've gotten started. I also don't want to apply for scholarships, for the same reason I didn't apply to schools.
     But many people will agree that community college is a sensible route: save cash on the stupid easy general classes, and then transfer and complete your education, with a stronger focus on your intended major. Saving money. Yes, good plan. No argument there. That's one of my valid reasons for not applying to universities.
     Also, though, and this is more important to me: Not only am I not ready for them, they aren't ready for me. They, being the administrators. They want to believe that every student they accept onto their prestigious campus will succeed in their goals, both short and long, life term goals. And most will. I won't? Well, I'm there (or would be there) to find as many short cuts as possible. I would try to succeed in cutting corners within the highly-demanding environment. And then I would fail in the long term goals for not doing the work as intended. But the reason they aren't ready for me is because I intend to out-perform and over-achieve all of their requirements, but in only few of the ways the curriculum was written. I don't want to go to a university to get good grades, I want to go because I want to learn, and gain skills and improve my life based on the education I receive. That is my goal. Therefore, it is very possible for me to achieve my goal of learning, but also fail/average out in the eyes of the grade book.
     If I want to become a sociologist to study the behavior of people to benefit market research firms in order to more effectively organize and distribute advertising, and an exam asks me how the increasing global population will effectively increase consumers, I could very likely miss the point the professor was trying to make and fail the test, but I would still come out with an understanding of how the mass market is consistently growing and how to analyze the wealth distribution between the social groups. I learned it in class, but a simple misinterpretation could have negative implications towards the study. After "failing" the test, I would go back to understand the mistakes. Oh, that's what I missed. Professor, could we discuss this further? My grade won't change, because that's not how the system works, but I would come out a better educated man. I'm not there to study and perspire facts late at night before the exam; I'm not there to impress the administration with a superb GPA; I'm not there because a girl I like took the same class (but that would be kinda nice); I am there because I am paying to have my life improved. My life would  be improved if I got good grades. But good grades aren't the motivation: the effect of doing quality work is good grades. When you understand the difference, and start to live by it as I do, you'll find your life, no really, your life, to be of greater value.

Is this supposed to be about why I haven't applied to schools or why I can't pick a major? Shit, I don't remember. One is because of the other, and either way, they're basically the same thing at this point. Now let's think of this conclusively: if I want to go to a university, I need to pick a major. As I've been told, I could pick two, or I could go major/minor, etc. That's basically a guarantee, because there's absolutely no way I'll be able to choose just one craft. Luckily, some consist of others.

But I've suddenly decided this post isn't going to become a weighing of which I like more or which offers more/better career paths or ease or difficultly or cost or schools or amount of schooling or so on. Those are a good place to start, however, for my next post (or next next, whatever, whenever). I have expressed what I wanted to say, and in all efforts to procrastinate and prolong this very important life decision, I will stop here.