There's a lot I have wanted to say concerning recent events, discoveries, and confessions.
It's hard to write for an unknown audience. Yes, I do tear threads out of my tangled mind just to organize them onto this blank white page, and much of the time it is unfiltered. This has been a problem for me and others, because some things, I later find, shouldn't have been said. Or were misinterpreted. Or vague. But that's me trying to condense; otherwise I feel too wordy.
Sorry. One specific article I need to clarify is in regards to my sister. I made a note that I resented her as we grew up together. I left out how I feel now. Back then, the point I tried to make was she appeared as an ideal child to my parents. I didn't feel neglect, I felt jealous. And now that she's moved out, she doesn't talk to my parents much anymore; which brings me to the front and center of attention.
My mother misses my sister. Completely understandable. I just wish my sister stayed in touch with her more.
How I feel now about my sister also needs to be clarified. I'm proud of her and her accomplishments. When she got sick, she persevered. She fought through and earned the knowledge and respect she now has. She did extremely well in college and now at her work. She's made many friends and a significant other because she's a great person to be around. That's hugely admirable, and that's how I feel. The jealousy of the past has become admiration; I don't know what else to say.
Switching gears, I have to brag about school. I'm taking 21 units and auditing 5 more. Enrolled classes are Debate, Physics, AutoTech, English, and Sign Language, while I'm auditing Calc. I'm proud of this current accomplishment. These are all subjects that satisfy my curiosity. In fact, I would have tried for another class: Life Drawing, but to be sensible, there were enough classes filling my day.
Speaking of which, I made a bed in my car. Imagine this. Inside a Mazda Miata. I took out the passenger seat and put in my bed pillows for comfort. In the right position, it's actually comfortable, despite me being 5'10".
Since I want to keep tackling topics, I'll share the class experiences as more develop.
One of my friends became my friend because she was curious as to why some shy people are shy. This subject deserves its own post. I could go on and on stretching my reasons for this. But there's one very important reason I won't:
Being shy upholds a means of mystery. Being shy makes an individual more difficult to get through, but there's so much more to discover when the sense of comfort settles in. A shy person's thoughts are more developed, so there's more to listen to. Again, once trust settles in.
This doesn't answer the question why some people are shy; I'm encouraging anyone to take their time trying to find out. Shy people, I think, are more interesting. Which is exactly the type of person I fell in love with.
Needless to say, she still floats across my mind, for better and for worse. My ex-girlfriend, I mean. Worse, is the more accurate description of how my day turns when any of those thoughts cross. I wish I didn't think about it anymore.
This one threw me off though: a bag boy at my local grocer, I think he's gay... he's very well groomed, he smiles at me like I smile at another girl, he hands me my grocery bags, and when he does... he just gives me this look... the same look I might give another girl I like... with those big generous eyes... just creeps me out. Twice already; two shopping occasions that we've crossed paths.
I've barely talked about my car! Still not much to say. If you remember from a while ago, I mentioned my clutch needs to be replaced. The new one's sitting under my bed. Fortunately, $500 is also sitting under my bed (just kidding, it's in the bank). My point is, I'm just waiting to install it myself. This is the main reason why I enrolled into an Auto Tech class at school; the class's focus is on drivelines and transmissions. During the semester, a team and I will swap it (permission already granted by the professor!). Anyway, on to more important things:
Owning a motorcycle has been a dream for a long time. Not a big dream, a simple wish.
My friend has one. He got it a while ago, less than a year. Got himself a license too. He and I have been hanging out more recently, mostly me driving around PV at night. One night, he followed me in his motorcycle: what a blast we both had! He's still a bit new and rough, so he went slower than me in four wheels, which is totally understandable (I would too).
Yesterday he gave me the chance to find out why he goes slow. Because it's harder than it looks. It was learning how to drive again! But after many loops in an empty parking lot, I'm now refueled to get myself a motorcycle. Literally, it is such a thrill—exactly like learning to drive.
The downside is, in fact the only downside I care to see is, either I save and spend $5k on a bike, or $5k on car upgrades (a turbo). And here's how I see it: a bike accelerates on a dime, but a turbo on my car will make it accelerate on a dime. Tough fuckin' decision, man. But I have time, $5k is a long savings away.
In my efforts to save money, I won't be spending any on Halloween this year. That was the first reason. The second reason is I need to (and will) focus my time on school, rather than another elaborate maze in my front yard. For those of you who don't know, look back in my archives to the very first posts: all about Halloween. I can't resist cutting out the holiday, though. I will still do something. Dead simple is my goal. Hit them with my leaf blower cannon and coffin ghost. And some fog and a strobe light and some extra decorations I already have, and my Thursday night should be satisfactory (October 31 is a Thursday. Besides, my class ends at 6pm that day). I brought up this topic only because I received a Halloween decorations catalog in the mail recently.
Restated: I will focus my time on school. I've never had this many classes, and I've never been this serious about it. I want to keep writing here as often as I can, as it is my vent, but consistency is not guaranteed. ...I don't know why I just said that, it's already inconsistent. But at least now you know what my distractions are.
Goodnight, fellow reader. I'll miss you, as I always do.
While I sleep, you can check out my recent adventure at the Peterson Automotive Museum. The photos briefly define my taste in auto design.
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