I Keep Forgetting

that a friendship doesn't mean romance or mutual liked feelings. Liking someone just as a friend is a completely reasonable and often overlooked aspect in my mind. 

Between my other posts, I think I've tried to share how I've prevented myself from entering romantic relationships that frankly didn't exist in the first place. But I've skimped over pursuing a legitimate friendly association with these girls. 

The reason why, and I am trying to understand this as I type, is because I have had either no or poor friendly relationships. Simply put: I haven't had good friends. It feels like, I just know people. And they know me. And sometimes we do things together. Friends, yes, but not good friends. Not mutual friendships. I'm always, well, most often the initiator of actions with someone else. I'm not invited places unless I'm already hanging out with someone. I'm not called to do something. I don't go to parties or the movies or the beach. If this is to happen, I have to be the one to put myself out there. 

     As a kid, that's what I did: invite myself. I would find out about something, and try to have myself included. I would knock on friend's doors just to see if they were home (before cell phones, kids). 

     As I grew up, I accepted I wasn't really welcome because of my personality and lack of social buzz, so I did less and less of that. Even between the group of people I would eat lunch with during high school, when one of them had a movie party, I felt that I was invited out of pity, not because I would be enjoyed. For example: I had been hanging out with them for two years. In my yearbook, one of them wrote something like, "It's been nice getting to know you this year, you're almost part of the group!" As if to imply I had only been there one year, not two.

     I had also fitted myself into another group of friends, who became a little closer knit. One of them became my (now, ex) girlfriend. And that's where my second outlook on friendship arises. My first outlook, just to be clear, is that I don't belong. My second, specifically with a girl I like, is that we may eventually become more than friends. 

That's why I have written what I wrote recently. This mentality is where my insecurities come from. I have trouble being a girl's friend because I have the previous experience of becoming more than friends. 

I can't treat a friendship with her like I would with a guy friend because my existing guy friendships aren't good either. Following me? 

Maintaining a friendship with anyone would be easier for me if I knew how. I need someone to be there. Isn't that what a friend should be? There?