Thoughts on Being an Introvert

I am alone, and for most of my life, I have been. Well, maybe alone isn't the right word. Separated. That's me. An introvert. I had a few friends growing up, one of which I still am friends with, and a few more that I sometimes talk to, and then my girlfriend. I don't have a problem with the quality of my current friendships, I'm disappointed by the low quantity. There's 5 of them. Just 5 people I am comfortable talking with. I have no reason to be nervous or shy or for whatever reason excited to talk to these people. Any other person takes a little more effort, a little extra challenge. Obviously, some are more challenges than others, meaning I need to already have some topic to discuss, rather than a blurb of randomness that a real friend and I can share.
     For this reason, I don't talk to people. I don't try to make friends.

And for a long time, I'm usually fine with this. But, every now and then, I come across this reoccurring problem. It's usually brought forth by finding and browsing through pictures of "friends" that appear on my Facebook feed. Or just by being at school and seeing others together. Or when I ask for help; either no one responds or there's just no one to ask. Or when I want to film a project: there's no one to ask to be in it (and I'm not about to go into the world putting out posts/flyers for actors looking for work). In that case, I have to keep my ideas, scripts, productions, etc. to require a bare minimum amount of people.
     Anyway, the feeling usually passes, sometimes with the aide of my girlfriend talking to me about it.
     I remember the feeling was the worst on the day of my birthday. My fucking birthday, a day in which you celebrate being alive for another year, and to share the good feelings with others. Nope. No one could be fucking bothered, or around. I drove around the city (multiple probably) alone, because I love to drive. That was the first time that I didn't enjoy driving, however, because I was thinking so much about how this time, there was no one to share it with. Luckily, and I am fortunate and thankful for this, my girlfriend, who by the way, is 400 miles away at another university, spent the rest of the night with me on the phone and playing games. It really helped a great deal, my heart wasn't broken that night by inattentive selfish people who really don't mean that much to me. Or, for that matter, me to them.

But if this hurt me so much, and If I've had this problem for a long time, why haven't I changed? Why haven't I tried to be more sociable and likable and outgoing?
     Because I enjoy being left alone more. I enjoy being an introvert. Trusting people to be there has failed me, so my dependencies have been left to myself. I don't need to bother with people who won't bother with me when I've already made the effort. I've stopped, I saw no hope. When I'm left alone, I can do what I want. I'm not tied to share ideas or conversations of things that don't interest me. It's freeing, I can actually get things done. No conversing for distraction. Just me. Just the things I enjoy doing. Just the time that I want to spend on it. All the time I want, or limit it to lots of little things. No uncomfortable, awkward silences or feelings. No obligation to speak. Sure, I do enjoy time with someone who also doesn't have something to say; a comfortable silence, as I like. I don't always need to be sharing what's going on in my head; in fact, that's what I'm doing right now. With text, non-verbal communication. A one-sided conversation. I say what I want, how I want, and go into detail as much as I want. This doesn't need input, it's simply my train of thought. This is me, alone, able to aspire to do what I want without the dependencies of others.
     It's simple, really. I know there are others like me, although I haven't found them. Probably because they're also too shy to speak up about it. Huh, go figure.
     I have to remind myself this each time I feel alone and/or separated. Detached from those around me. I hope I feel better again soon. I have to hope for this, because it's not like someone is going to hope for me.

Thoughts On My Future

When I learned about the Middle Ages and the Renaissance way back in school, DaVinci stood out to me because we were both alike for being "Renaissance Men," meaning talented in many, far more than a normal person of the time, fields of arts and science and so on. But then, you figure it's just a kid thing, doing everything... but I wasn't one of those. I did find that I did truly do more than other kids.
     I still think the same now. I feel that I am well versed and talented at many different things. In comparison to most other people, I will defend my reasoning. Most people, especially by this time, this age, have narrowed their focus in life, to a point in which they can confidently identify their career path. Guaranteed, everyone is likely to veer at minimum, but they remain set on a general field of study and eventual occupation.
     I stand out in both a good and bad way. But first, I would like to clarify that I am aware that people do have hobbies, side jobs, fallback plans, and other interests. My argument is that my hobbies and interests are more than just that; I wish to obtain all sorts of occupations.
     The good: I'm a multi-talented person. I can do a lot of things, most of them well enough to land an entry-level job or better. And you can be certain that I will spend my time doing it well, because it's within an occupation that I wish to advance in. Anyone can ask me to do many skilled tasks, and I feel that someone else would not be able to do as many things as well as I would do myself. I take pride in my skills and my broad range of skills.
     The bad: What the hell is my future? Most people have narrowed down their career paths to a point where they could name a singular job title and possibly the work it takes to get there. I, on the other hand, have many, many things that I want to do for a living. When I am doing one of those things, I want to do it well, and focus on only it to make sure it does turn out well with the love and care that it deserves. But I want to do other things. And when I'm doing those other things, I want to jump back to square one. For my future, I have to narrow it down. I have to really think hard, decide what is the most important to me. What can sustain me for a suitable lifestyle, what can also give me time to have other hobbies, and eventually a family.
     Fortunately, the cloudiness of my situation has become clearer, and it did some time ago. But the reason I'm writing this now is because clear-er- isn't clear enough.
     I want to be admired for all of the things that I can do and have done. Everyone does. However, I'm uncertain what is the best choice for my life. Then again, everyone must feel that way too. No, though, because I'm determined to exclaim that I'm different. I am! I want to be hired to do a number of tasks, to prove that I can, that I will make something good and probably worthwhile, no matter what it is. I think the biggest problem is, I want to prove that I can do so many different things, all of them well. I can't commit to one yet. I won't, it's not me. I will impress you.

Another Thought on Cars

These are scribbles from a page of notes I took during class one day. I'm glad I rediscovered these; I cut them off my notes so I could keep just these and tossed the old notes.

Someday, I wish to have/build a car modeled after one of these shapes.

Thoughts on Cars

A car is what I drive. It doesn't represent me, nor is it an extension or a description of me or my wealth or attitude or any such matter. I don't believe in material possessions owning me. That's not why I have them. They simply perform the tasks they were built for. A man should always, and only, be judged by what he does, not what he has.