First of all, I would like to ask my girlfriend, or at least have her ask herself, "What is he getting out of this relationship? Is he happy? Am I someone he wants to be with? Am I trying to make him happy?"
I don't think she's asked herself that. This seriously bothers me, because no, I'm not exactly thrilled, and no, I don't feel like she's making herself someone I can enjoy spending time with. I emotionally hurt her in the past, and I know that, I've gotten better about that and have tried to be more talkative because that's one of the things she asked of me. But I really feel that now, I'm taking care of her and her needs and trying to get her to talk and trying to be careful about what I say to not piss her off again. I think she's real fragile right now so I have to be careful. I want to help her overcome this (what I think is a) phase.
But it's really fucking hard when I don't have something to look forward to. She doesn't show any sign of getting better and making the effort. She describes I gave her a scar that's never going to go away. Alright, I understand the scar is always going to be there. A scar is a reminder of the past. It reminds you that you were once hurt. It's also a message that tells you "I'm not going to do that again because I don't want another scar." And with time, scars fade. Sure it doesn't go away, but it fades like a memory. What do I feel like she thinks this scar is? A disability. She recognizes it as a defect that can't be ignored or overcome, as if she's stuck with it and can't forget about it. She's emotionally hurt, and says, well, that's it, I'm done for.
Oh god, but that's not the least of it. She's still holding on. She still wants to be in this relationship. I do too because I enjoy the physical comfort she brings when we're together. Looking at her and hugging her makes me a very happy guy. And I'm not alone when I say males are more physical when it comes to relationships; just being able to touch her really fuckin' helps. Unfortunately we're rarely together because we go to vastly distant schools. So she relies on phone conversation and at minimum, MINIMUM, an occasional text to let her know that I'm thinking of her. I've improved on that aspect I believe. I do that a little more often than I used to; baby steps. I'm not about to text her every single time she crosses my mind.
What I was trying to say earlier was that she believes our relationship is worth working on. She sees hope in continuing to have her life be a part of mine. And vice versa. So how does she change for the better? She leaves me alone. Which is actually what I asked, because before it felt like she was often... too close. We're 400 miles away but she still wanted to know the details of my day, and I didn't always have time to share that forgotten information with her. So what does she do? Backs off a little but still calls/texts me on her own? Nope. Now we only talk because I initiate the conversation. Fine, not "only," but 90% of the time. There's no middle ground. There's no 50%. She's made it clear that she definitely cannot and will not go back to being "clingy," but she can't, or won't, be what I think is normal. Talk to me when you want, and I'll talk to you when I want. Like normal people. Nope. Not happening.
She used to feel like she was doing all the work in the relationship by trying to talk to me. I felt like she was trying to talk to me too often. Now it feels like I'm doing all the work. Go figure.
So it's hard to want to keep trying with someone who doesn't look like she's make the changes to be a fun-loving, compassionate, energetic girlfriend that I originally fell in love with.
And I don't have any friends I can vent this too. I don't have a couple of friends I can go somewhere with, and then break down when I think about this in such negative ways. I don't have the luxury of sharing my feelings with someone personally. And it's not healthy for me to keep this shit bottled up, so this is the best I got. A mediocre blog post, for people that I don't know, to read. And even if they do know me, no one's about to help me. I recognize that, and I'm not asking for it. I'm only asking for her to realize that I don't enjoy taking care of her like this. I'm not benefiting from this relationship. She's probably not. For as much as she thinks about how she shouldn't talk to me (because she hates feeling like she is bothering me), I would much rather her think about what makes the both of us happy.
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