I've been fairly busy.
My attention should be focused on three things (NOT in order:) School, Halloween, and my girlfriend.
Most of it should be going towards school. I need good grades and such. I need to impress universities I plan to apply to later. I should even be looking more into that (transferring). I do spend some amount of time doing homework, but usually just the fun work. That would be for my digital art class, in which I'm drawing a character (which can be seen in an earlier post) in Illustrator.
The next class I give attention to is a 2D design class (we create non-subjective compositions using elements and principles of art). The work I take home mostly involves drawing anything within guidelines in my sketchbook. In another book, there are words I have to read. At the moment, I have to read Less Than Zero for a class called Literature and Film. You can figure that one out. Actually, I should be reading that instead of writing this. But no...
I also take The History of Western Architecture and American Independent Cinema. There was a take-home test for Arch that I didn't finish because I'm stupid and didn't want to do it and put it off to the last minute; I needed more than the 2½ hours I gave myself. I missed a day of Cine because I wasn't feeling good from lack of sleep. That's a problem because the class is once a week. I have a report on Stanley Kubrick due in a few weeks that I should start.
So I'm not doing too well with school, but I pretend like I am.
I would rather be working on Halloween stuff. I would rather be painting skulls, or cutting out tombstones, or building a gate with pipes, or putting up the tent and putting up the walls, or digging holes to plant the tree branches, or goring-up some dolls to put in the maze, or configuring the air blower, or building a frame for the mirrors...
I want to be having fun.
But I can't be, because I have schoolwork to deal with and class time to focus in.
I want to play with my cats or watch Top Gear on Netflix or animate or play with Lego's or draw...
But most of all, I want to curl up next to my girlfriend and not do anything else.
I love that girl. She's so sweet and kind and tries to have fun and be understanding.
But she's 400 miles away going to her own school.
We have the fortune of Skype and Facetime and texting and simple phone calls, but just because it's there, doesn't mean it gets utilized...
She should be my second priority, after school. Halloween just isn't the same as holding a warm body against your own. But I don't have that. She's not physically here, and it's hard to pretend she is. It really doesn't take a lot of effort to pick up the phone to have a conversation. But that phone call is a distraction to whatever I'm currently doing. Reading, drawing, writing, eating... a phone call isn't natural... it's fake. Yes, she's there on the line, talking, listening, and even when I see her on a screen, it's only a tease.
A tease. I can't hold her, and that's exactly what I want to do. Any problem either of us has can be forgotten in each others' arms.
And that's what we have lots of. Problems. Her, more than me. It may not seem like I miss her compared to how much and how obvious she makes it that she misses me, but that's because I distract myself with school and Halloween stuff. I want her to be here to help with the projects at hand or the reading that I don't understand.
The problem with phones and such is the act of communicating. I'm not much of a talker, never really have been. But I am more so with her than practically anyone else. I don't have a problem telling her things, I have a problem with coming up with things to say. Obviously by this text, I have things to say, but this format of a one-sided conversation that can be carefully thought out and edited with no interruptions is what I am good at, compared to verbal communication.
I'm not a hermit living under a rock; I do do things. But I don't see very much of what I do that's worth telling. I want what I say to have some meaning and value, to be appreciated. I'm always being judged, mostly by myself, so I want to make a positive impression, even to myself. I find that not saying something says more than saying something pointless. I was kind of a mean kid when I was younger (just a bit less now), but the difference now is due to my mother, who always said that if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. Well, maybe I've taken that too far.
So it's a combination of things, whether or not I can be bothered or if I have anything worth saying. I'm sure there could be other reasons too.
But the first one should definitely be fixed! I should not be bothered by talking to her!
Every day? Well, "Good morning, good afternoon, how are you, what are you doing now and today, anything exciting recently since the last time we talked, I miss you, goodnight..."
I'll argue that this takes away from longer conversations. Would you rather watch a movie in little pieces to make it last over a week, or watch it all in one go?
She has her own life, and she has her own problems. More than me. Recently it's about giving herself (her time and energy) to others, being for school, volunteering at the hospital twice(?) a week, babysitting, listening to her retarded sister, etc. I understand why she's tired. I understand that she does a lot of work with little instantaneous benefit.
So she wants to talk to me to feel better and to feel loved.
But I don't give her that. I'm too busy with my own shit.
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