I am alone, and for most of my life, I have been. Well, maybe alone isn't the right word. Separated. That's me. An introvert. I had a few friends growing up, one of which I still am friends with, and a few more that I sometimes talk to, and then my girlfriend. I don't have a problem with the quality of my current friendships, I'm disappointed by the low quantity. There's 5 of them. Just 5 people I am comfortable talking with. I have no reason to be nervous or shy or for whatever reason excited to talk to these people. Any other person takes a little more effort, a little extra challenge. Obviously, some are more challenges than others, meaning I need to already have some topic to discuss, rather than a blurb of randomness that a real friend and I can share.
For this reason, I don't talk to people. I don't try to make friends.
And for a long time, I'm usually fine with this. But, every now and then, I come across this reoccurring problem. It's usually brought forth by finding and browsing through pictures of "friends" that appear on my Facebook feed. Or just by being at school and seeing others together. Or when I ask for help; either no one responds or there's just no one to ask. Or when I want to film a project: there's no one to ask to be in it (and I'm not about to go into the world putting out posts/flyers for actors looking for work). In that case, I have to keep my ideas, scripts, productions, etc. to require a bare minimum amount of people.
Anyway, the feeling usually passes, sometimes with the aide of my girlfriend talking to me about it.
I remember the feeling was the worst on the day of my birthday. My fucking birthday, a day in which you celebrate being alive for another year, and to share the good feelings with others. Nope. No one could be fucking bothered, or around. I drove around the city (multiple probably) alone, because I love to drive. That was the first time that I didn't enjoy driving, however, because I was thinking so much about how this time, there was no one to share it with. Luckily, and I am fortunate and thankful for this, my girlfriend, who by the way, is 400 miles away at another university, spent the rest of the night with me on the phone and playing games. It really helped a great deal, my heart wasn't broken that night by inattentive selfish people who really don't mean that much to me. Or, for that matter, me to them.
But if this hurt me so much, and If I've had this problem for a long time, why haven't I changed? Why haven't I tried to be more sociable and likable and outgoing?
Because I enjoy being left alone more. I enjoy being an introvert. Trusting people to be there has failed me, so my dependencies have been left to myself. I don't need to bother with people who won't bother with me when I've already made the effort. I've stopped, I saw no hope. When I'm left alone, I can do what I want. I'm not tied to share ideas or conversations of things that don't interest me. It's freeing, I can actually get things done. No conversing for distraction. Just me. Just the things I enjoy doing. Just the time that I want to spend on it. All the time I want, or limit it to lots of little things. No uncomfortable, awkward silences or feelings. No obligation to speak. Sure, I do enjoy time with someone who also doesn't have something to say; a comfortable silence, as I like. I don't always need to be sharing what's going on in my head; in fact, that's what I'm doing right now. With text, non-verbal communication. A one-sided conversation. I say what I want, how I want, and go into detail as much as I want. This doesn't need input, it's simply my train of thought. This is me, alone, able to aspire to do what I want without the dependencies of others.
It's simple, really. I know there are others like me, although I haven't found them. Probably because they're also too shy to speak up about it. Huh, go figure.
I have to remind myself this each time I feel alone and/or separated. Detached from those around me. I hope I feel better again soon. I have to hope for this, because it's not like someone is going to hope for me.
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