First of all, I would like to ask my girlfriend, or at least have her ask herself, "What is he getting out of this relationship? Is he happy? Am I someone he wants to be with? Am I trying to make him happy?"
I don't think she's asked herself that. This seriously bothers me, because no, I'm not exactly thrilled, and no, I don't feel like she's making herself someone I can enjoy spending time with. I emotionally hurt her in the past, and I know that, I've gotten better about that and have tried to be more talkative because that's one of the things she asked of me. But I really feel that now, I'm taking care of her and her needs and trying to get her to talk and trying to be careful about what I say to not piss her off again. I think she's real fragile right now so I have to be careful. I want to help her overcome this (what I think is a) phase.
But it's really fucking hard when I don't have something to look forward to. She doesn't show any sign of getting better and making the effort. She describes I gave her a scar that's never going to go away. Alright, I understand the scar is always going to be there. A scar is a reminder of the past. It reminds you that you were once hurt. It's also a message that tells you "I'm not going to do that again because I don't want another scar." And with time, scars fade. Sure it doesn't go away, but it fades like a memory. What do I feel like she thinks this scar is? A disability. She recognizes it as a defect that can't be ignored or overcome, as if she's stuck with it and can't forget about it. She's emotionally hurt, and says, well, that's it, I'm done for.
Oh god, but that's not the least of it. She's still holding on. She still wants to be in this relationship. I do too because I enjoy the physical comfort she brings when we're together. Looking at her and hugging her makes me a very happy guy. And I'm not alone when I say males are more physical when it comes to relationships; just being able to touch her really fuckin' helps. Unfortunately we're rarely together because we go to vastly distant schools. So she relies on phone conversation and at minimum, MINIMUM, an occasional text to let her know that I'm thinking of her. I've improved on that aspect I believe. I do that a little more often than I used to; baby steps. I'm not about to text her every single time she crosses my mind.
What I was trying to say earlier was that she believes our relationship is worth working on. She sees hope in continuing to have her life be a part of mine. And vice versa. So how does she change for the better? She leaves me alone. Which is actually what I asked, because before it felt like she was often... too close. We're 400 miles away but she still wanted to know the details of my day, and I didn't always have time to share that forgotten information with her. So what does she do? Backs off a little but still calls/texts me on her own? Nope. Now we only talk because I initiate the conversation. Fine, not "only," but 90% of the time. There's no middle ground. There's no 50%. She's made it clear that she definitely cannot and will not go back to being "clingy," but she can't, or won't, be what I think is normal. Talk to me when you want, and I'll talk to you when I want. Like normal people. Nope. Not happening.
She used to feel like she was doing all the work in the relationship by trying to talk to me. I felt like she was trying to talk to me too often. Now it feels like I'm doing all the work. Go figure.
So it's hard to want to keep trying with someone who doesn't look like she's make the changes to be a fun-loving, compassionate, energetic girlfriend that I originally fell in love with.
And I don't have any friends I can vent this too. I don't have a couple of friends I can go somewhere with, and then break down when I think about this in such negative ways. I don't have the luxury of sharing my feelings with someone personally. And it's not healthy for me to keep this shit bottled up, so this is the best I got. A mediocre blog post, for people that I don't know, to read. And even if they do know me, no one's about to help me. I recognize that, and I'm not asking for it. I'm only asking for her to realize that I don't enjoy taking care of her like this. I'm not benefiting from this relationship. She's probably not. For as much as she thinks about how she shouldn't talk to me (because she hates feeling like she is bothering me), I would much rather her think about what makes the both of us happy.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Thoughts on my Tree House
I have a tree house. I have had it since before I was 8. I don't remember specifically why it was built, but it couldn't be far off from my dad just being a good dad and wanting to build something for/with his son. I really enjoyed it, both the building of and playing in it. An extension cord runs from the garage to the house, giving me a sufficient amount of electricity to house a couple lights and some means of entertainment. I say that, because it's varied between a small old radio to an analog tv, and sometimes powered my mom's laptop as I watched movies at night.
It's a place of seclusion, and if you know anything about me (even just by reading my past posts) you'll know I enjoy being secluded. For some reason, we had a random thin cushion (in terms of width, not thickness), which provided me with a nice place to sleep. It was because of it that I spent the night in there for many summer nights while watching movies and/or playing with Lego, or whatever else. I also had an electricity-sucking heater, so it wasn't terribly cold either.
Jumping to present day, it's now filled with... what looks like junk. A while back, I had an interest in taking apart used electronics. Printers, a fax, really old computers, a stereo box, hard drives, cd/dvd drives... things that my dad had laying around for no reason. I took them and opened them up with no intentions of putting them back together. Then I would cut the circuit boards, drill holes for chains, and put them on a hanger with the intentions of selling the little circuit boards as keychains. I haven't sold any and now my tree house is cluttered with huge boards and wires and plastic housings and other... crap. I can still walk in and walk around and put the mattress down to take a nap, but the nostalgia of being in there for the sake of being alone has left, mostly in part due to my sister moving out. The bedroom we shared is now mine. With my computer and constant heating, the tree house is just sort of... a novelty of my childhood. Take the fact that the wood is starting to rot and the absence of humans has allowed bugs to settle, it isn't the nicest place to be anymore.
It isn't weather sealed either. It does have screens where windows are supposed to be, but screens don't retain heat or keep out water. It's dark in there, considering it's surrounded by trees. It was also never insulated, but for a tree house, I suppose that's asking for too much.
For sentimental reasons, I would like to clean it and restore it to a livable condition, but I don't see that as a priority, especially at my age. I'm in college, and within a year+a few months, I hope to be moving out towards a university. I have school and my odd jobs to take of. I have other projects and hobbies that need my attention.
In regards to the future, a large tree house (likely to require much ground support) is my desired home. You can all aspire to million-dollar Malibu homes or New York lofts, but I want to find the perfect set of trees, sketch up the perfect layout, and build (with help, of course) my dream home above ground. I have books about tree houses. I have a collection of pictures from the internet. The Hemloft is a great example, although I have something bigger in mind to be considered "livable."
If I'm not fortunate enough to see this dream come true, it is my minimum priority to find a home for my family with at least one good tree in the back yard... so that I can build my son or daughter a great escape. Add a rope swing, zip line, rope ladder, lookout tower, catapult, secret doors and cabinets, a cool bridge to a gazebo, multiple levels, a lofty bed, a desk, a deck, a loveseat and a fireplace, big windows with shades... who is this for again?
It's a place of seclusion, and if you know anything about me (even just by reading my past posts) you'll know I enjoy being secluded. For some reason, we had a random thin cushion (in terms of width, not thickness), which provided me with a nice place to sleep. It was because of it that I spent the night in there for many summer nights while watching movies and/or playing with Lego, or whatever else. I also had an electricity-sucking heater, so it wasn't terribly cold either.
Jumping to present day, it's now filled with... what looks like junk. A while back, I had an interest in taking apart used electronics. Printers, a fax, really old computers, a stereo box, hard drives, cd/dvd drives... things that my dad had laying around for no reason. I took them and opened them up with no intentions of putting them back together. Then I would cut the circuit boards, drill holes for chains, and put them on a hanger with the intentions of selling the little circuit boards as keychains. I haven't sold any and now my tree house is cluttered with huge boards and wires and plastic housings and other... crap. I can still walk in and walk around and put the mattress down to take a nap, but the nostalgia of being in there for the sake of being alone has left, mostly in part due to my sister moving out. The bedroom we shared is now mine. With my computer and constant heating, the tree house is just sort of... a novelty of my childhood. Take the fact that the wood is starting to rot and the absence of humans has allowed bugs to settle, it isn't the nicest place to be anymore.
It isn't weather sealed either. It does have screens where windows are supposed to be, but screens don't retain heat or keep out water. It's dark in there, considering it's surrounded by trees. It was also never insulated, but for a tree house, I suppose that's asking for too much.
For sentimental reasons, I would like to clean it and restore it to a livable condition, but I don't see that as a priority, especially at my age. I'm in college, and within a year+a few months, I hope to be moving out towards a university. I have school and my odd jobs to take of. I have other projects and hobbies that need my attention.
In regards to the future, a large tree house (likely to require much ground support) is my desired home. You can all aspire to million-dollar Malibu homes or New York lofts, but I want to find the perfect set of trees, sketch up the perfect layout, and build (with help, of course) my dream home above ground. I have books about tree houses. I have a collection of pictures from the internet. The Hemloft is a great example, although I have something bigger in mind to be considered "livable."
If I'm not fortunate enough to see this dream come true, it is my minimum priority to find a home for my family with at least one good tree in the back yard... so that I can build my son or daughter a great escape. Add a rope swing, zip line, rope ladder, lookout tower, catapult, secret doors and cabinets, a cool bridge to a gazebo, multiple levels, a lofty bed, a desk, a deck, a loveseat and a fireplace, big windows with shades... who is this for again?
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Thoughts on Being an Introvert
I am alone, and for most of my life, I have been. Well, maybe alone isn't the right word. Separated. That's me. An introvert. I had a few friends growing up, one of which I still am friends with, and a few more that I sometimes talk to, and then my girlfriend. I don't have a problem with the quality of my current friendships, I'm disappointed by the low quantity. There's 5 of them. Just 5 people I am comfortable talking with. I have no reason to be nervous or shy or for whatever reason excited to talk to these people. Any other person takes a little more effort, a little extra challenge. Obviously, some are more challenges than others, meaning I need to already have some topic to discuss, rather than a blurb of randomness that a real friend and I can share.
For this reason, I don't talk to people. I don't try to make friends.
And for a long time, I'm usually fine with this. But, every now and then, I come across this reoccurring problem. It's usually brought forth by finding and browsing through pictures of "friends" that appear on my Facebook feed. Or just by being at school and seeing others together. Or when I ask for help; either no one responds or there's just no one to ask. Or when I want to film a project: there's no one to ask to be in it (and I'm not about to go into the world putting out posts/flyers for actors looking for work). In that case, I have to keep my ideas, scripts, productions, etc. to require a bare minimum amount of people.
Anyway, the feeling usually passes, sometimes with the aide of my girlfriend talking to me about it.
I remember the feeling was the worst on the day of my birthday. My fucking birthday, a day in which you celebrate being alive for another year, and to share the good feelings with others. Nope. No one could be fucking bothered, or around. I drove around the city (multiple probably) alone, because I love to drive. That was the first time that I didn't enjoy driving, however, because I was thinking so much about how this time, there was no one to share it with. Luckily, and I am fortunate and thankful for this, my girlfriend, who by the way, is 400 miles away at another university, spent the rest of the night with me on the phone and playing games. It really helped a great deal, my heart wasn't broken that night by inattentive selfish people who really don't mean that much to me. Or, for that matter, me to them.
But if this hurt me so much, and If I've had this problem for a long time, why haven't I changed? Why haven't I tried to be more sociable and likable and outgoing?
Because I enjoy being left alone more. I enjoy being an introvert. Trusting people to be there has failed me, so my dependencies have been left to myself. I don't need to bother with people who won't bother with me when I've already made the effort. I've stopped, I saw no hope. When I'm left alone, I can do what I want. I'm not tied to share ideas or conversations of things that don't interest me. It's freeing, I can actually get things done. No conversing for distraction. Just me. Just the things I enjoy doing. Just the time that I want to spend on it. All the time I want, or limit it to lots of little things. No uncomfortable, awkward silences or feelings. No obligation to speak. Sure, I do enjoy time with someone who also doesn't have something to say; a comfortable silence, as I like. I don't always need to be sharing what's going on in my head; in fact, that's what I'm doing right now. With text, non-verbal communication. A one-sided conversation. I say what I want, how I want, and go into detail as much as I want. This doesn't need input, it's simply my train of thought. This is me, alone, able to aspire to do what I want without the dependencies of others.
It's simple, really. I know there are others like me, although I haven't found them. Probably because they're also too shy to speak up about it. Huh, go figure.
I have to remind myself this each time I feel alone and/or separated. Detached from those around me. I hope I feel better again soon. I have to hope for this, because it's not like someone is going to hope for me.
For this reason, I don't talk to people. I don't try to make friends.
And for a long time, I'm usually fine with this. But, every now and then, I come across this reoccurring problem. It's usually brought forth by finding and browsing through pictures of "friends" that appear on my Facebook feed. Or just by being at school and seeing others together. Or when I ask for help; either no one responds or there's just no one to ask. Or when I want to film a project: there's no one to ask to be in it (and I'm not about to go into the world putting out posts/flyers for actors looking for work). In that case, I have to keep my ideas, scripts, productions, etc. to require a bare minimum amount of people.
Anyway, the feeling usually passes, sometimes with the aide of my girlfriend talking to me about it.
I remember the feeling was the worst on the day of my birthday. My fucking birthday, a day in which you celebrate being alive for another year, and to share the good feelings with others. Nope. No one could be fucking bothered, or around. I drove around the city (multiple probably) alone, because I love to drive. That was the first time that I didn't enjoy driving, however, because I was thinking so much about how this time, there was no one to share it with. Luckily, and I am fortunate and thankful for this, my girlfriend, who by the way, is 400 miles away at another university, spent the rest of the night with me on the phone and playing games. It really helped a great deal, my heart wasn't broken that night by inattentive selfish people who really don't mean that much to me. Or, for that matter, me to them.
But if this hurt me so much, and If I've had this problem for a long time, why haven't I changed? Why haven't I tried to be more sociable and likable and outgoing?
Because I enjoy being left alone more. I enjoy being an introvert. Trusting people to be there has failed me, so my dependencies have been left to myself. I don't need to bother with people who won't bother with me when I've already made the effort. I've stopped, I saw no hope. When I'm left alone, I can do what I want. I'm not tied to share ideas or conversations of things that don't interest me. It's freeing, I can actually get things done. No conversing for distraction. Just me. Just the things I enjoy doing. Just the time that I want to spend on it. All the time I want, or limit it to lots of little things. No uncomfortable, awkward silences or feelings. No obligation to speak. Sure, I do enjoy time with someone who also doesn't have something to say; a comfortable silence, as I like. I don't always need to be sharing what's going on in my head; in fact, that's what I'm doing right now. With text, non-verbal communication. A one-sided conversation. I say what I want, how I want, and go into detail as much as I want. This doesn't need input, it's simply my train of thought. This is me, alone, able to aspire to do what I want without the dependencies of others.
It's simple, really. I know there are others like me, although I haven't found them. Probably because they're also too shy to speak up about it. Huh, go figure.
I have to remind myself this each time I feel alone and/or separated. Detached from those around me. I hope I feel better again soon. I have to hope for this, because it's not like someone is going to hope for me.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thoughts On My Future
When I learned about the Middle Ages and the Renaissance way back in school, DaVinci stood out to me because we were both alike for being "Renaissance Men," meaning talented in many, far more than a normal person of the time, fields of arts and science and so on. But then, you figure it's just a kid thing, doing everything... but I wasn't one of those. I did find that I did truly do more than other kids.
I still think the same now. I feel that I am well versed and talented at many different things. In comparison to most other people, I will defend my reasoning. Most people, especially by this time, this age, have narrowed their focus in life, to a point in which they can confidently identify their career path. Guaranteed, everyone is likely to veer at minimum, but they remain set on a general field of study and eventual occupation.
I stand out in both a good and bad way. But first, I would like to clarify that I am aware that people do have hobbies, side jobs, fallback plans, and other interests. My argument is that my hobbies and interests are more than just that; I wish to obtain all sorts of occupations.
The good: I'm a multi-talented person. I can do a lot of things, most of them well enough to land an entry-level job or better. And you can be certain that I will spend my time doing it well, because it's within an occupation that I wish to advance in. Anyone can ask me to do many skilled tasks, and I feel that someone else would not be able to do as many things as well as I would do myself. I take pride in my skills and my broad range of skills.
The bad: What the hell is my future? Most people have narrowed down their career paths to a point where they could name a singular job title and possibly the work it takes to get there. I, on the other hand, have many, many things that I want to do for a living. When I am doing one of those things, I want to do it well, and focus on only it to make sure it does turn out well with the love and care that it deserves. But I want to do other things. And when I'm doing those other things, I want to jump back to square one. For my future, I have to narrow it down. I have to really think hard, decide what is the most important to me. What can sustain me for a suitable lifestyle, what can also give me time to have other hobbies, and eventually a family.
Fortunately, the cloudiness of my situation has become clearer, and it did some time ago. But the reason I'm writing this now is because clear-er- isn't clear enough.
I want to be admired for all of the things that I can do and have done. Everyone does. However, I'm uncertain what is the best choice for my life. Then again, everyone must feel that way too. No, though, because I'm determined to exclaim that I'm different. I am! I want to be hired to do a number of tasks, to prove that I can, that I will make something good and probably worthwhile, no matter what it is. I think the biggest problem is, I want to prove that I can do so many different things, all of them well. I can't commit to one yet. I won't, it's not me. I will impress you.
I still think the same now. I feel that I am well versed and talented at many different things. In comparison to most other people, I will defend my reasoning. Most people, especially by this time, this age, have narrowed their focus in life, to a point in which they can confidently identify their career path. Guaranteed, everyone is likely to veer at minimum, but they remain set on a general field of study and eventual occupation.
I stand out in both a good and bad way. But first, I would like to clarify that I am aware that people do have hobbies, side jobs, fallback plans, and other interests. My argument is that my hobbies and interests are more than just that; I wish to obtain all sorts of occupations.
The good: I'm a multi-talented person. I can do a lot of things, most of them well enough to land an entry-level job or better. And you can be certain that I will spend my time doing it well, because it's within an occupation that I wish to advance in. Anyone can ask me to do many skilled tasks, and I feel that someone else would not be able to do as many things as well as I would do myself. I take pride in my skills and my broad range of skills.
The bad: What the hell is my future? Most people have narrowed down their career paths to a point where they could name a singular job title and possibly the work it takes to get there. I, on the other hand, have many, many things that I want to do for a living. When I am doing one of those things, I want to do it well, and focus on only it to make sure it does turn out well with the love and care that it deserves. But I want to do other things. And when I'm doing those other things, I want to jump back to square one. For my future, I have to narrow it down. I have to really think hard, decide what is the most important to me. What can sustain me for a suitable lifestyle, what can also give me time to have other hobbies, and eventually a family.
Fortunately, the cloudiness of my situation has become clearer, and it did some time ago. But the reason I'm writing this now is because clear-er- isn't clear enough.
I want to be admired for all of the things that I can do and have done. Everyone does. However, I'm uncertain what is the best choice for my life. Then again, everyone must feel that way too. No, though, because I'm determined to exclaim that I'm different. I am! I want to be hired to do a number of tasks, to prove that I can, that I will make something good and probably worthwhile, no matter what it is. I think the biggest problem is, I want to prove that I can do so many different things, all of them well. I can't commit to one yet. I won't, it's not me. I will impress you.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Another Thought on Cars
Someday, I wish to have/build a car modeled after one of these shapes.
Thoughts on Cars
A car is what I drive. It doesn't represent me, nor is it an extension or a description of me or my wealth or attitude or any such matter. I don't believe in material possessions owning me. That's not why I have them. They simply perform the tasks they were built for. A man should always, and only, be judged by what he does, not what he has.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Holy Cow!
I haven't posted in a month! I apologize. I've been busy being outside. Usually. Truth is, my girlfriend and I spend the majority of the year 400 miles away because she goes to a different college than I do. So during winter break, we had fun with each other during the limited time together. I have projects planned and stories to tell and things to look forward to, so hopefully I'll remember to take you along and keep the updates coming. Staaaaay tuned, I guess.
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